To Hear or Not To Hear: That is the Question, Hamlet.

Husband returned from work for lunch today. Strolling in with a smirk on his face, I asked him how his morning went.

Husband: It was good. So, I had my hearing tested today.

Husband's got this hole in his ear drum from excessive ear infections/tubes/grafts/damage to his ear between the ages of say, birth to say, yesterday. He is also mostly deaf in one ear as a result. This deafness, by the way, drives me to DRINK. If he's looking ahead and his left ear is facing me, he hears NOTHING I say. Nothing.  I thought maybe it was like I was under water, or like Charlie Brown's teacher, but he assures me he hears nothing if that left ear is facing me.

Rather, he can hear me if I whisper "Want to have sex?" without moving my mouth or even looking at him, but he cannot seem to hear me when I say things like, "Hey, can you load and unload the disher?" or "Will you make Kiddo #1's lunch for tomorrow?" or "Honey, I lost our St. Bernard in the grass-- can you possibly cut the lawn today?"

At some point this summer, he was standing outside at Kiddo#1's soccer game on a particularly windy morning and ended up with a doozy of an ear infection that lasted almost a month and blah blah blah. Poor Husband.

So, after finally getting that all cleared up, he was referred to an Ear, Nose and Throat Doc to make sure the damage wasn't permanent or worse than it already was.

And today was the day that he went for his hearing test.

Husband: It was good. So, I had my hearing test today.
Me: Oh?
Husband: I can hear just fine.  In fact, the hearing tester person said that I had "better than average hearing."
Me: (silence)
Husband: (now preparing his lunch with his back to me) Literally, my hearing was so good that I was sitting in the chair and I could not only hear the tones, but also when other people were walking down the hallway outside the test room.
Me: (silence)
Husband: I'm not gonna brag, but I can hear better than some dogs. They tested my high-end and low-end sound recognition, and KER-POW, knocked that one right outta the park.

I know you know what I was busy loudly thinking while he blathered on about his ability to hear. I know you understand what I was thinking, because at around this same point, Husband figured it out, too.

While I just stood there, staring at him with a smirk on my face and nodding supportively, watching him "ker-pow" an invisible baseball out of the park, Husband suddenly stopped talking, looked me in the eyes and realized his folly.

Husband: Um. So. I. Uh.
Me: Yep.
Husband: And, uh, it's, I mean, the test results aren't, like, I mean, they'll type them up.
Me: Uh-huh.
Husband: Like, so once we get the final numbers, uh...
Me: Yes. Yes. We will finally know for certain just how much you can hear and how much you... cannot.
Husband: Actually, there was a lot of wind just getting back into the car.
Me: Oh?
Husband: Yes. And then on the way home, um, someone in the car next to mine fired off a cannon.
Me: Oh?
Husband: There's no winning here.
Me: Probably not.
Husband: Is that the baby crying?
Me: I would have no idea, your hearing is much better than mine.
Husband: (loud, sad exhale) Yes. It would appear so.