Is it Coincidence that loose change sounds like Jingle Bells?

No sooner had I put the children to bed did Husband make his triumphant return from his 4-Day business trip to Chicago. I was busy unloading and loading the disher and medium-quietly dancing around the kitchen to the music on my Ipod. I have music going the way most people have a TV on. Thing is, I can't have a TV on or I get Zombified for days on end without showering, eating or doing anything productive.

So, I'm dancing around the kitchen, unloading and reloading the disher (quit wondering what that is-- it's the dishwasher. You call the clothes washing machine the "washer" so why not the dish washing machine the "disher?")  when Husband triumphantly returns. He hangs up his keys and comes in for a nice kiss when he stops abruptly and recoils in horror.

Probably I should mention that I don't usually shower when he leaves town. I figure a) what single parent has time to frickin' shower (also if you are a single parent, and currently have showered in the last, say week, you have MAD PROPS from this lady) and b) if The Mob shows up at the front door while Husband is away, the stench of my unwashed self should make them flee in terror. I also think this would save me from ninjas and The Killers (real killers, not the band, and also not The Band. Sigh.) but I don't think the funk would save me from Zombies. Random.

Husband recoils and I smile-cringe and tell him I'll just be right back and he stops me. 

Husband: Um. Yes. So, uh, how long was I gone for?

Me: You shouldn't end a sentence in a preposition.

Husband: You shouldn't answer a question with a grammar hint.  So. For how long was I gone?

Me: Clearly long enough that I should've broken down and showered.

Husband: What? Oh. Well, I'm kinda used to that. No, I mean, what the frick are you playing?

Me: Wha?

And then I giggle. Oh. Yes. I get it now. I'm not so disgustingly stinky that he can't kiss me; I'm playing Christmas music and it's September 11th. That's a new one, even for me.

I look into his eyes and say, "Well, honey, I thought it was appropriate."

He manages to catch his jaw before it clanks on the floor. (<-- this is the universal look of utmost shock and disbelief.  In case you've never seen it before because your Husband or significant people in your life aren't complete DRAMA QUEENS, I thought I should point this out.)

Husband: Care to explain?

Me: Well....  you've been gone a really long time...

Husband: Seriously? 4 days?

Me: Well, it's like, you were gone a long time and like, I was all by myself.

Husband: Wow. Does Invisible Children know about me yet?

Me: What? No. Geez. You're such a Drama Queen.

Husband: I learned from the best.

Me: So, anyway, I was here by myself and my phone died. Like, it said "No Sim."

Husband: Right. Get to the Christmas music, Ernie.

Me: Well, so today I HAD to go out and get a new phone because we don't have a land line, and what if Kiddo #1's school called and she'd been in a ninja fight?

Husband:  (silence)

Me: ... And, see, before then, I had to get this ice cream maker.

Husband: (stunned silence)

Me: ... Cuz it was on sale and now that we're doing the Whole-Foods, Plant-Based eating thing, you deserve to have ice cream.

Husband: (every beat of his heart looks like a dollar sign pulsing on his forehead. It's kinda creepy.)

Me: And, with the whole-foods thing, like, my old food processor was good, but it was really loud and wouldn't really grind up the dates or the chickpeas...

Husband: (a weird sound like a Zombie trying to push out a difficult poop is coming from his throat)

Me: ...plus it's Kiddo #2's birthday this weekend, so I got him a bike.   

Husband: (sitting at the table) Is there any ice cream ready? I need to drown my sorrows.

Me: Uh. Well, uh, no. I mean, there WAS ice cream. The kids and I ate it after dinner. It was really good, actually. 

Husband: Of course.

Me: Well, we were celebrating because Kiddo #1 got her ears pierced tonight!

Husband: Whaaa--what?

Me: Remember how like, 100 years ago Kiddo #1 said she wanted to pierce her ears? Well, last night she remembered and so I took her to the jewellery store and she picked out her very first diamond studs! 

Did you know that a grown man who is fully passed out weighs a lot more than you'd figure?

As I waved the smelling salts under his nose to revive him, I smiled, he smiled and I whispered, "Don't worry honey, Kiddo #2's earrings aren't real diamonds. And, also, I haven't put the tree up yet."  

Weeping with unabashed joy, Husband swooped in for that kiss he owed me.  "Am I still kinda out of it? Cuz you smell a lot better."  (I don't have the heart to tell him he's been out cold for almost 3 hours, which is about how long it takes to both shower and shave after so many days of neglect.)  

I smile and kiss him back. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a happy back to school time.