And then, a week later, when partner went back to work and you decided you'd just take all the night shifts because s/he "had to function all day without access to a nap, and [you] could grab one whenever the baby slept," but instead you vacuumed and did laundry and had a shower or cried in the kitchen or whatever? Remember when your eyes would burn and slam shut against your will? Good times.
And then, a month later, from severe sleep deprivation because you're Super Mom and don't need sleep, you crashed into a blissful coma one night because Jr finally decided to get her/his act together and sleep six hours in a row. Then you wake up, heart-racing and sweaty because clearly the child has expired or why wouldn't s/he be awake and crying for your help? And you race in, still panic-stricken, to find the angel sleeping, arms out like a, wee, fat, lowercase t.
Life gets better, right? I mean, about the time you have your (at least) fourth postpartum breakdown, crying on the floor of the baby's room while s/he cries and you don't know why and you don't know how to fix it and partner doesn't get home for another hour and why didn't you just stick with dogs as children, a light clicks on. It's partner-- s/he picks you up, walks you to your bed, lays you down (no funny business, promise!) turns around, turns off the light and shuts the door.
Then things get awesome-- you're sleeping at night again!
The baby is getting to smile and looks just like you (no matter what the in-laws insist!) and you no longer silently refer to your partner as ... well whatever creative pet name you came up with that usually ends with expletives. Life is great. Heck, you've even lost that baby weight from all the exercise you have time to do now! And speaking of body changes, either the boobs are huge from breastfeeding or they're back to normal from not, and either way it's a good thing!
But, like, remember before you had the baby? Not really?
Well, I hate to do this to you, but here goes:
Before kids I used to:
a) sleep in as late as I want, especially after a night that ended at 5am.
b) have nights that ended at 5am.
c) wake up refreshed from having a good night's sleep
d) making plans to have dinner with friends and actually doing it, same day
d) have food and drinks at their perfect temperature, not room temperature
e) I'm sure there are other things. I have no recollection. Sigh.
Anyway, why am I reminding you about this? Ahh yes.
See how both Motherhood and Mono have the same symptoms? Well, it seems I have had both afflictions for the past few months and didn't even know it. I was walking around (slowly, with no energy) with mono. I lost some weight, had some awesome night sweats (thought I had The Diabetes, but no), my lymph nodes even got big enough to name (Felix) and biopsy (negative). And, after all the tests, poking, prodding, x-raying, and ct scanning, it was mother-f-ing mono. MONO.
So. What I learned from this experience was this: if you haven't got children but would like them; or if you you have a child now and are thinking maybe you should have another one; or perhaps your deal is just you've got a bunch of kids and you're so tired you'd like to know if anyone else has ever felt this way-- take heart and know that having mono and functioning as though you are not sick in the slightest is precisely like being a mother.
Precisely.
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