I awoke this morning with a song in my heart and vampire teeth in my mouth. Doing the dance moves to "Thriller" I sashayed my way into the kitchen to start breakfast. This proved to take significantly longer than expected (turns out the Zombies don't move a whole lot in the forward-motion); but the kids and I just ate breakfast while doing the dance moves. And don't picture what children look like doing the pelvic thrust that the zombies do. It ain't pretty. But it IS hilarious.
Kiddo #1 was to wear Black and Orange with a side order of "wacky hair" to school today, instead of her costume, which was no problem for this lady! I plugged in my crimper and crimped until her hair was like the rays of the sun at high noon. Then I sprayed it all high and crimpy, added some plastic spiders and voila: wacky hair.
Into her black outfit she slunk like a mini-Morticia Addams, um, but blonde and with glitter and sequins (she is my daughter, you remember). We got her to the bus with the other black and orange children and lickity-split, our Halloween adventure was afoot.
Kiddo #2 and I, then, raced back to the house to get him into costume, too. We were meeting up with GG (Great-Grandma) for breakfast but, after seeing what I could do with his big sister's hair, Kiddo #2 wanted some spicy Halloween digs, too.
No sweat, I said.
I got the baby into his Rambo costume -- I made him some baby muscles and a bullet thingy that you wear (pretend I used the right term there) in the X over your back and chest. Then I put him in come camouflaged pants, painted his face in camo and voila: Killer assassin. Done.
But me? What was I planning on doing? Oh my gentle reader, Halloween is my time to shine. I had four costumes for today. Why four? Well, because I figured 5 was overkill, frankly. I'm the Cher of Halloween costume changes, and this year, I really feel I outdid myself.
For the hours of 9 to noon, I started small: I recreated Lady Gaga's meat dress. Rather, I contacted the person responsible for preserving the meat dress, greased the palm, and voila: I had not only her meat dress (which is now closer to jerky) but I also had breakfast! GG was thrilled to know I brought the bacon!
(Yeah, so in preserving the dress, a great deal of salt was used. This was handy for future generations that might want to see the actual dress, but not so great for me. Also, Lady Gaga is only about 4 foot 11. I'm 5 foot 11 3/4. This would have probably looked crazy on me even if it hadn't been jerky. But whatever. I rocked it.)
At noon, I sped home and changed into my second costume: The Disco Zombie from Plants Vs. Zombies. I didn't want to be the boy zombie, though, so I changed it up and was a girl one. This picture really doesn't do it justice though because it doesn't show the gold lamé dress properly. Or the crimped hair. But I did my best. It was more work than I anticipated, though, making lesions on my skin.
I think next year, I'll pre-make the lesions and freeze them for quicker applications. See, I had to have the sores or I would've just looked like a disco version of Elphaba from Wicked. Although, maybe that would be ok-- "I think I"ll try, defyiiiiiiing diiiiiiisco." Yeah ... not as good.
Anyway, I put Kiddo #2 down for his nap while I put on my zombie make-up, which gave me more time than I thought I'd have. And, although you'd think this would be good, it actually backfired because once I'd finally finished the costume, there wasn't much time left in the 4-hour window I'd made for each costume. Boo!
So, once Rambo awoke and I re-dressed him (you can't sleep with ammo on your chest, I found out), we quickly went to the supermarket to show off my second costume to anyone around.
Let this be a lesson to you: if you make your lesions particularly realistic by using the leftover jerky from your meat dress, don't wear said lesions to the supermarket. There were a couple of clean-ups needed on aisles 3 and 7, and again between bananas and broccoli in produce. But, really, if you have a weak stomach, why would you go to the supermarket on Halloween? And also, thanks, random puker, for making me the reason there was a clean-up on aisle 5. You made far too much noise on aisle 3 in response to my awesome make-up job thus sending me into a zombie disco wretch fest. Gross.
Anyway, once that mess what cleaned up, it was already time for costume #3! We raced home so I could get dressed before Kiddo #1 returned from school and also needed a costume change. Phew!
Removing the zombie welts, but leaving the green skin and flattening the hair, the third costume should be very obvious to you, fair reader: I was Fiona from Shrek The Fourth. Or whatever the fourth one is called. Anyway, I looked so much like her, that I don't even need to include my 'actual' picture, since it's precisely, without any difference, the same as the one below.
Let me tell you, if you happen to have some unresolved issues with someone, and you show up looking like Fiona: Warrior Princess with your 1 year-old son looking like Rambo, people want to make those problems go away.
For example, when Rambo and I arrived to pick up Kiddo #1 off the bus looking like this, the bus driver decided (after months of negotiations that went no-where) to change the location of our bus stop, and I even managed to get it put at the end of our driveway WITH a two-honk warning every day before the bus leaves it in the morning (if we're not already out there, that is!). This costume (and my crazy assassin-looking son's costume) changed my mornings in one fell swoop.
At any rate, Kiddo #1, now home, did her homework (who assigns homework on Halloween? Not I, said the little green hen.) and I got her dressed in her costume, which (obviously?) was Rapunzel from the movie Tangled.
I spritzed her hair to get the crimping out and commenced to braiding. We got her dressed and looking sweet (instead of morbid and pale from her school day) and I decided that Rambo needed a costume change, too. So, I scrubbed the camo off and put on a wee black nose and the most deliciously cute Ewok costume ever invented. Seriously, where has this costume been all my life?
And, with two sweet kids ready to trick-or-treat, we set out (with Husband dressed as the Red Angry Bird. Sigh, I loves me some nerd!). As it turns out, Fiona's warrior princess costume was a touch drafty considering it's CANADA and almost NOVEMBER. So, after about 4 houses, I was ready to get into my fourth and final (and warmer) costume. Plus, I wore it to hand out the candy to our 300 kids that stopped by. Seriously? 300? Yep. It would've been cheaper to invite all those kids over for dinner than buy all that candy. BUT, at least all that candy is not in my house waiting for me to consume it. Small mercies, right?
You might wonder what on earth would be the topper to being Lady Gaga, Disco Zombie and Fiona? It's a good question, that's for sure. But, it just made sense, if you ask me.
For my final costume change, I decided to go as Glinda, the good witch from the Wizard of Oz.
I just put the crown on Fiona's wind-swept hair to push it down. By then, most of the green had worn off my body anyway, so I finished the job with a white (now green) towel. Then, I reapplied lipstick, added sugar to my voice and glitter to my face and voila! I then slipped into the giant, bubblegum pink dress (not to be confused with Gaga's bubble dress) and my final transformation was complete. I mean, seriously folks, Halloween is my jam and all, but even if you're not a big fan, you can do any of these costumes pretty effortlessly.
Trust me.
And if you can't trust me, then I happen to have some red, sparkly shoes you can borrow; I guarantee they'll transform who you are in just three clicks.
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