8 Ideas and a Pie In The Face

So we're all reeling from the news that Robin Williams has died. And, moreso, that he was openly battling depression and addiction, and still managed to be the funniest guy on the planet.

And yet, he clearly wasn't happy.
He wasn't ok.
He wasn't comfortable with himself on some level.

Right? I mean it's that simple, right?

Ok. We all know Depression isn't that simple. And in the last few days following his death, everyone is coming out of the proverbial closet about Depression.  I don't know if you know this, or if you've guessed this, or if you've ever wondered, but I definitely battle Depression. The crippling, real, voices-tell-me-I'm-a-bag-of-shit-and-I-believe-them kind.  The self-harming, out-of-control, emotional roller coaster type that destroys lives, and relationships, and families.

And even funny people.

There have been months, whole months, whole seasons, whole half-years, where I have had to literally force myself to get out of bed in the morning.

I know there are some of you who don't believe this because I don't "look" like someone with Depression. I don't furrow my brow, or bitch incessantly or whatever you think Depression looks like.

Here's the thing, here's my two cents on why Robin Williams' death has affected us, as a global community, the way it has: we all will fake-it-til-you-make it sometimes, and we all wallow in self-pity sometimes, but we all figure that IF we were "_(insert that one un-achieved dream that lingers)_," things would be fine/better/magnificent.

Robin Williams is proof that there is no magic fix to Depression.

In fact, I'll go one further: there's no magical fix to the voices in the head that deem you unworthy. Meds calm them, quiet them and can fix misfiring neurons.  Talk therapy can keep you from going over the edge, and friends can (without knowing it, even) keep you alive til morning comes.  But ultimately, I think the person who decides to sink or swim is YOU.

And, that's no reason to give up hope.  :)

I don't know a LOT of things, but in 36... almost 37 years, I at least have figured out how to weather my depressive episodes.  I don't know if what I do will help or work at all for you, but I want to put it out there in case it leads you on a path of self-discovery that helps you survive until you can smile without faking it.

I mean, isn't that what pushed Robin Williams to do what he did for a living?  He worked tirelessly to give us a reason to smile, laugh, cry and feel real, true feelings.  Being authentic, being real, is the only way to get through Depression.  The rest of the stuff (meds, therapy, friends) all make the fog thinner so we can remember what it's like to be real again, non?

1) Learn Your Triggers/Alarm Bells.  

This is the hardest part of the job, I think.  Figuring out what can send you on a Depressive Episode is key to being more in control of it, though.  My triggers include, but aren't limited to: sad songs on the radio, The Notebook (specifically that dang rain kiss), The News.  My Alarm Bells start ringing when I do things like: start thinking about the butterflies I'd get when I dated some toxic guys in my early years, when I download or start listening to "suicide playlists" which usually include Sarah McLaughlin "Angel" and other songs that make you pull over on the highway from sobbing.

See, when I'm happy, and when I'm not depressed, I have no use for learning the minutiae in a child abuse case. But when I'm starting to slide down that road of thick tar, I get morbidly intrigued with how or why someone would do "that" to a kid, whatever 'that' is.

So, when I start to perseverate on things like that, I make a note on my calendar. I don't care much for data, but I love coincidences (ha), so I've noticed that I can usually have about 3 sad thoughts a week, without it being attached to the beginnings of a Depressive Episode.  But, when I'm having upwards of 3 "sad thoughts" a day, I know trouble is coming.

2) Force Yourself to Be Around People

When I see that a Depressive Episode is coming, I force myself to reach out to others.  I'm not a super social person to begin with-- I feel easy being around people, but it's quite exhausting at the same time.  But when I'm starting to slide, I make coffee dates and force myself to get out of my head for a while.  I've noticed that the more time I spend in my head, the deeper the depression goes.  (I've had 36 years to figure some of this shit out)  The more time I spend distracted from the mean, dark voices telling me I'm a bag of shit, the better.
Also, Depression waits for you to be alone before it attacks. It wants you to feel like you're the most worthless, the most pathetic, the dumbest (etc). So when I'm low, I really work hard to not be alone as much as possible.

3) Surround Yourself With Proof You Don't Suck

For me, this is the reason I spend my non-depressed time creating art, writing, sewing, and whatever else I do.  I have my art all over our home and it's really because when I'm laying in bed thinking about never maybe getting out again, and why would anyone care anyways because all I do is destroy everything I touch, I can look at my paintings or re-read a blog, or whatever and let my (rather quiet, underfed) rational brain pipe up with a meek, "Uh, well, uh, you do suck, I guess, but maybe this art wouldn't be as good if you also weren't like, sorta, sometimes awesome?"  And, as I get out and hang around with other people, and as I refrain from indulging my depression by turning off Adele and Alanis and The Notebook, my rational brain's voice gets sturdier, gets louder, gets clearer.


4) Exercise and Sleep 

Your brain can't run haywire if your body is too tired to be awake to listen.

This is so important I want you to re-read it another 8 times before going on to the next point.
Then go for a run. Don't worry, the blog will still be here.




5) When you're Happy/Not Depressed, Don't Quit Your Meds

Yeah, so turns out that I'm balanced BECAUSE of my meds, not in spite of them.  Nothing starts a downward spiral faster than the false-logic that my meds have cured me and I don't need them anymore.  For the love of all things holy, people with Diabetes don't stop taking insulin because they feel good. People on chemo don't stop taking them cuz, meh, I feel good today.

Don't stop the meds for mental health, no matter how good you feel. They ARE the reason you feel good.

6) What You Resist Persists

That old yoga saying is so true when I'm in an episode.  The more I pretend I'm not low, the more I bottle up what I'm feeling instead of expressing it for what it is, the bigger it grows.  The more out-of-control it becomes.  The more I want to do stupid stuff (harmful stuff, like booze or drugs or self-harm) to quiet the voices I just should've let out in the first place.  Honestly, some of my issue is that I'm ashamed of the petty bullshit that has me so upset.  And some of it is that I'm afraid to say it outloud and give it a voice or reality.  But truely, all that has ever happened by me voicing "I'm just not happy with my job." or "I feel like we should be able to go on a vacation."  is that I realize that a) it's not shameful and b) saying it outloud takes the shame out of it anyway.  Ironically, Depression is like stifling a laugh-- the more you try not to do it, the bigger, louder and more disruptive it becomes until it takes over your entire body and now you're making a scene, rolling on the floor, crying and howling at something that really isn't that funny.  Right?

Let the Depression flow over you, and through you, but don't hold on to it.
Let it go.  (Sorry. It's my jam.)

7) Everyone feels this way

It makes me sad when someone says "Oh, what do YOU know about this? I bet you're never down/depressed/sad."  Just because I choose to find the laughter in things doesn't mean I don't get down.  In fact, it's choosing to find the laughter in the most ridiculous situations that is one of my coping mechanisms.  The harder I look to find the humour, say, in the $600 I just spent on my car, the $150 I spent on the fridge and the $200 on groceries in the SAME DAY, the more I'm focusing on finding the good instead of the bad.  See that? I'm focusing on finding the good; what you look for you find.

And speaking of coping mechanisms, that's my final point.

8) Get Coping

Insist on seeing live comedy.  Go to a movie staring whoever makes you laugh.  Hide behind a door and surprise your partner with a pie in the face (but make sure there's one loaded for him/her to use on you when s/he catches you-- it's only fair).

I don't care what you do, but find it and make it accessible.  Today you might not want to sew/write/paint/dance/sing/do yoga/whatever.  But tomorrow if you do, and you don't have what you need, you'll just Eyeore-out and make it worse.



Anyway, like I already said, there are lots of things I don't know.  And if you're in danger, in crisis, get yourself to a professional who can listen and talk you out of whatever harm you're considering.  Please. The world is a better place with you in it.  Even if you might not agree right this second, it really is.

Plus, I'm waiting here with a pie with your name on it.