To say I haven't be processing the Sandy Hook Elementary horror is a big, fat, lie.
I haven't allowed myself to process it. I am self-imposing a media blackout of as much information as possible, and it's not because I don't care; it's because I care too much. I am terrified that if I find out more about this incident I will lose all hope in the future and I can't do that.
I just can't do that.
Once upon a time, I taught in Colorado. It was post-Columbine, it wasn't even in the same school district, but I assure you, we felt the ripple effects years later, every year on April 20th. The school in which I taught, for example, was a shining example of architecture in the "Post-Columbine" world.
It was designed so that (I'm not kidding) SWAT teams could descend upon any classroom without a killer, holding kids and teacher hostage, being any the wiser. The doors were either down a short hallway that then became "blinders" for those inside-- you can't see anything in the hallway in any direction from the classroom door-- or they were off to an extreme side of the classroom making it impossible to see 1/3 of the room from the doorway window. That 1/3 of the room, by the way, is where we were supposed to hide during a lockdown. Duh.
If you go to school or teach in a building erected after 1999, I dare you to try and see inside the classroom from the hallway.
Sandy Hook; Columbine; Platte Canyon; the list grows unfortunately longer every few years and I've heard a lot of people expound on why they think the school shootings keep happening. In fact, I myself was wondering-- I'd never watched Bowling for Columbine until probably a month ago (I was living and teaching in Colorado and never thought it was appropriate). So, I took the plunge and watched Michael Moore's film.
To say I was horrified that he used actual footage of students being gunned down is an understatement. I was sickened that someone would take the Columbine massacre, edit it, add some interesting yet meaningless commentary on whether or not Canadians lock their doors, and call it a documentary. I cried a lot while watching that film. I cry for the pain and the loss of life that happened. That film ripped my heart open all over again.
I tried to be objective so I kept thinking "But what is the point? What is Moore trying to tell us?" By the time the film finished, I was less sure than when I started watching. Perhaps I missed the point somewhere, but even now, especially now, I felt sick and used: I felt I was made an accomplice by watching that film, instead of seeing a moral or big picture idea.
Like Michael Moore, I've heard many, many adults, some teachers, some parents, some teens, expound on how the gun control system in the US is out of control and that's the reason for the problems. Just as I felt while watching Bowling for Columbine, I hear this and wonder, "What is the point?"
I suppose, as humans we like to classify and come up with neat little boxes to put information in: bad guys wear black, good guys wear white. But, if you think Sandy Hook and Columbine and (insert the next horrific tragedy) happened because of guns, you are naive and not helping the situation any more than Michael Moore did.
No, I don't think we all should have guns. True, I'm also not a member of the NRA. Guns are not things to be trifled with and if you haven't been trained properly, I don't think you should be allowed within 500 feet of one, as far as I'm concerned. But, at the same time, when someone snaps the way that kid (those kids) snapped, it wouldn't matter if he had a gun or a bunch of hairspray and a lighter-- there were going to be fatalities that day. Period.
We know this because of the knifing incident that happened the SAME DAY as the tragedy at Sandy Hook, but in China instead of America. A crazy man entered a school there and stabbed/cut 26 little children. None of those kids died (guns are strictly controlled in China) because they were attacked with a knife, but I think that's my point-- guns are a means to an end, not the problem per se.
People argue that it's poverty, it's immigration, it's guns, it's this it's that. Those are no different than having a rash, a fever, and burning pain when you pee; if you have those symptoms you'd better get yourself checked out for the bigger problem: Venereal Disease. Likewise, if you have kids shooting up schools in rich neighbourhoods, poor neighbourhoods, urban neighbourhoods and rural ones, in America, Canada, China, Afghanistan, you'd better start hunting around for the reason.
If you are so mentally unbalanced that you can thoroughly plan the deaths of specific people and a variety of innocents, you will find a way to do it. The problem isn't guns-- that's a symptom. The problem is these kids have been so marginalized, so beaten down by parents, family members, teachers, peers that they have seriously, irreparably perhaps, lost their minds. Insane, beaten-down, marginalized kids grow into homicidal adults unless there is a lot of therapy done to contain it. And I mean a LOT of therapy because you can't argue with a lunatic; they don't believe in the rules of engagement.
For reasons too numerous to explain, I truly feel that this problem is one of Silence. Our children are feeling silent, out-of-control, marginalized and outcast. Our children aren't being taught how to win and lose with grace. Our children aren't being taught how to think for themselves and how to feel good for doing a job well. Our children aren't being praised for their intelligence; smart kids are mocked and under-serviced to the point where pretending to be stupid is a more desirable character trait than becoming strong leaders of tomorrow.
Guess why?
Oh yes, it falls back on us.
I bought these boots for my daughter about a month ago. They were cheap, but cute, and they were available locally so I wouldn't have to wait for shipping to get the regular (3x-as-expensive, cuter, leather) boots I usually get for her. Within 3 days the boots already had scuff marks, and by the end of week one, there were patches of fabric missing. Yes, my daughter is hard on her boots. No, she's not THAT hard on her boots. I looked at that purchase and thought to myself, "That's a lesson in false economy." As in, I thought I was making a good, cheaper buy, but in the end I will be spending an extra $30 on the boots I should've bought in the first place because of that "economical" purchase.
It's the same with our kids, really. Instead of making sure our kids are getting their emotional needs met at home, at school, in their activities and (again, this one is important) at home, they're filling up their self-esteem bucket with bullshit they see on TV, on Youtube, and from Bullies. And silence. They're filling up their self-esteem buckets with a bunch of silence that should be words of praise, of scolding, of love, and of care, but instead they're hearing silence.
Being silenced or hearing silence they both end up making people crazy. And after years of my own therapy, I'm strong enough to say something if you use words to silence others in my presence.
It sucks when I have to speak up to friends.
It really sucks when those same friends point out my silencing words.
Like, it sucks a lot.
But it needs to be done no matter how much it sucks, because frankly, my being chastised for saying something that cuts another person should make me feel awful and defensive. I should feel bad because that's how the person I'm verbally cutting feels inside, too.
When I want to say something off-the-cuff, especially when I'm angry, it takes a lot of deep breathing and counting to 10 before I will let my mouth speak. So, I breathe because I don't want the [cop who pulled me over, the border patrol guy who is just being shitty for no reason, the micro-manager...] to feel as shitty as I feel, with the flick of my tongue.
I think my ability to shred someone with words is because I was crazy-bullied when I was a kid. Truth be told, I still hear the hate-filled words and visualize the screaming disdain from their eyes when I'm having a bad day. After years and years of therapy I can still hear the echos. I have ways to quiet the sounds now, but they're still there. I replayed, internalized, and etched all that Hate it into my psyche over and over for so many years that it still comes out in ways that occasionally surprise me.
Adults, if you ask me, are the worst of the worst-- they know better and despite having been bullied themselves, despite knowing exactly how it feels to be powerless, they perpetuate the pain and anger and impotence to children. Sometimes to their own children. Sometimes to the children of other people.
It's gross, it's disgusting and it's a flagrant misuse of power.
Teachers can be the worst.
Coaches can be the worst.
Parents can be the worst.
If you think these shootings are because of guns, you need to open your eyes and face the real possibility that you might be an accomplice to what's going on with our children, too.
Words are just as deadly as weapons, they just don't get national coverage. I assure you, however, that classrooms, locker rooms, even the homes of our children are being assaulted with deadly weapons every day.
This is why bullying is such a big deal.
This is why gender and racial discrimination are such a big deal.
This is why gay marriage and equal rights for the LGBTQ community are such a big deal.
This is why inclusion and education for both ends of the intelligence spectrum and every point in-between is SUCH A BIG DEAL.
Every day that someone is hated for who they are, for things that they cannot change about themselves, even if they wanted to, is another day closer to that person hating him/herself enough to want to kill everyone who seems happy when s/he isn't allowed to be. ...is another day closer to that person wanting to inflict pain on anyone who might have silenced him or her in the past.
We can't stop the madness overnight but we can try.
We must try.
We must or the next fatalities will be closer to our own homes.
We must.
