Beelzebub and Butterfly Wings

There are three things in this world that send me into an instant rage: lying, bullying and hitting of any kind.  

So, last night, as I was emptying the disher (dishwasher to those that don't know my lingo) and Kiddo #1 came up behind me and slap-tapped me to the beat of, "Mommamommamommamommamommamomma."

I could feel the rage bubbling up inside my chest.  My hair began billowing upwards from the smoke and lava that were spewing forth from the cracks in the floor that I'd summoned up with the power of my unhappiness. The lighting in the kitchen changed from simple overhead fluorescent to red and smoke-filled, and my skin changed to a hard, leathery, scaled greenish hue from my normal, transparent-white leather. I'm not sure whether my clothes morphed with me like they do in comic books.  I'd ask the witnesses, but they usually have blocked out the scene in self-preservation.

I tried to ignore the tap-tap-tapping/never-ending version of my name but, it's SO HARD to ignore the innocent butterfly wings of a child as they bat against your lava-hardened, bulletproof skin. So, as the pathetic fallacy kicked in, I whirled around with lightening in my eyes and raised my voice almost one whole tone and sharply said, "KIDDO #1, IF YOU EVER HIT ME AGAIN, YOU..." 

And then, like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, I realized that perhaps, just perhaps, I was overreacting, and that maybe, it was possible, that my child did not deserve whatever and however I was planning to finish that sentence. I took a breath and, like a poorly dubbed Kung-Fu movie, I calmly, yet still looking like Beelzebub, said, "lose privileges."   I then took another deep breath, sucked all the weird, hellish décor back to its origins, and said, "We don't use our hands for hitting. Go take a time out."

Husband, and Girlfriend (uh, my girlfriend, not his), couldn't help but bust out laughing once Kiddo #1 was in her room.  They said it was the most hilarious thing they'd ever seen-- and Husband really loves to watch those poorly dubbed Kung Fu movies.  They both thought it was So Funny that I'd kinda got mad and was able to pause, take a breath, and stop the locomotive before it crashed into the pretty girl tied to the tracks.  

I was (and am) pretty embarrassed that I'd almost lost my cool, so I wasn't giggling. (I did giggle a little later, when Husband snuck up on me while I was washing my face and, in his evil Dr. Claw voice, said, "If you ever wash your face like that again," deep breath and sweet voice with birds chirping, "I will be very unhappy about it." He's a riot.)

When I was a younger person (oh, that hurt to write) I had a real problem controlling my temper. And at times, no matter how patient I strive to be, no matter how much I've quelled the inner beast, my impatience rears its ugly head. And, let's face it, sometimes we all lose our tempers and it's usually not the fault of the person we lose it on.  Whether it's the telemarketer that called during dinner, or the kid that showed up at my door collecting money for some fundraiser, or Kiddo #1 tap-tap-tapping to get my attention, there are days when I look to the skies and wonder why the Universe seems desperate to test me on this particular day.  I try and take a breath and reset myself; I really do work hard to be as patient as I can be at all times.

But, I also make sure I point out why a behaviour, for example, might send someone over the edge.  I mean, it's all well and good to keep myself under control, but not everyone is going to be able to do that every time (myself included) and no one should just walk around thinking there is nothing that they do that could piss someone off. In fact, I would feel pretty responsible if I never taught her that lesson.

So, after I've cooled off, and taken responsibility for my (almost) actions and then re-placed responsibility for my child's actions on her, I enter her room.  She seems confused because for as dramatic as I made this sound, she wasn't ever in any danger, and couldn't figure out what had happened, exactly. So we talked about things we use our hands for (hugging, high-fiving, gluing and colouring et cetera) and we talked about patience. We talked about whether she would think it's funny or annoying to tap someone until they got angry. She said it was annoying (which proves she's mine haha) and said she'd try harder to be more patient, too.  

In the end, Kiddo #1 and I both learned a lesson-- breathing before reacting can save a life and not sucking in the first place can keep you out of harm's way.  


... And I'm still learning-- that Beelzebub trick would work nicely for sold out concert tickets or getting into the Dr's office sooner, methinks. Anybody have the number for Dr. Xavier's school? I think I need a little more training.