Tea For Two

I pushed open the door to the staff room at the school where I work and sized up the tea kettles.  The first thing I do, after I do the first thing I do (which is pee), when I arrive in the morning, is make a huge bucket of tea.

I'd make a bucket of coffee, but I'm not sure it comes that big. Ba-dum-bum.

There are two kettles on the counter-- one is the first electric kettle ever invented.  It says "Property of Mary Magdalene's Mani Pedi Shoppe, 1 Resurrection Blvd, Jerusalem, Israel" on one side.  The other is a much newer looking stainless steel number.  For the first week of school, I defaulted to the newer looking kettle because, well, honestly, the other one, Mary Magdalene's, looks like a fire hazard.

Of course, we all know that kettles in a school staff room are toss-outs from the teachers of the past:  the machines take forever to heat up, but they still technically work, so instead of throwing it in the garbage (it still works) or donating it to Goodwill (it doesn't work THAT well), it finds it way to the staff room to torture and crush the souls of the future.

Sure I'd been using the stainless steel one but waiting upwards of 10 minutes for the kettle to boil was getting old. I mean, I could heat up a whole cup of water in the microwave in 90 seconds.  Why wait for a wretched kettle?

Yet here I was, waiting for that stainless kettle.  I glanced back at Mary Magdalene's kettle and back to the stainless one.  Mary Magdalene's kettle was apt to also suck at heating up, and frankly I wasn't going to give up 20 minutes of prep time at 7am (between waiting for the first kettle, giving up and starting the next one and waiting another 14 minutes) so I waited.

And then I had an idea. I had a totally awesome idea!

I plugged both the kettles in and decided to do a scientific experiment.

I filled both kettles with 8 cups of water (according to their guidelines) hovered my fingers on their start buttons and counted down slowly from 5.  I was gonna count down from 10 but by the time I got to 7 I was bored and then I forgot what I was doing, and then my mom texted me so I just restarted but from 5 this time.

5... 4... 3...2... 1 And they're off!

I pushed down the buttons and brought my face close to the two kettles so as to monitor the precise second the winner ... uh, won. And then, 3 minutes later, when I remembered that these were pieces of shit, I sat down to return my mom's text while I waited.

Mom:  Hey! Tennessee is wonderful. Did you guys get lots of rain last night?
Me: No. We got some gusty winds and about three drops.
Mom: Uh, nope. Impossible. There is power out all around your house. 2300 residents.
Me: I thought you were in Tennessee, not driving around in a Hydro truck.
Mom: Haha. No, I read the news. Don't you?
Me: Oh wow. Nah. Any idea when this heat is gonna end?
Mom: Probably Friday. Are you sure you didn't have a storm last night?
Me: Hold on I'll text Husband.

-----
Me: Hey, was there a storm last night?
Husband: Yep. Pretty bad.
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Husband: Yep. Remember when I went to the grocery store for bananas?
Me: Yep.
Husband: And you were outside and everything was blowing around?
Me: Yep.
Me: Oh yeah.
Me: Huh.
Husband: I was almost blown over going in the door at the supermarket.
Me: Really? That is fascinating. I don't remember any of that.
Husband: It's cuz our house was built well. We don't hear a lot of the outside noise.
Me: Really? Fascinating. Thanks.
-----

Me: Hey, I'm back. Husband says there was IN FACT a storm last night.
Mom: I know.
Me: A BIG one. He says I didn't know because we have a good house.
Mom: I know.
Me: Were you two texting or something?
Mom: No.
Me: Well, anyway, I guess it was a big deal.
Mom: Well, I figured there wasn't some invisible dome around your house keeping the storm only from you.
Me: For the amount we pay in taxes, there SHOULD be a dome around our house, made of politicians, and it should magically go up at the first sign of scattered showers.

And that's when, after 18 minutes, I realized that neither kettle had gone off.
In fact, neither kettle was still on.

Or even remotely warm.

Mother-effer.

Down the hall I walked, shamefully, trying to figure out how to explain to our janitor that I'd blown the fuse in the kitchen because I was racing the tea kettles.

I found him, asked him how to reset the kitchen fuse panel, and he got a strange look in his eyes.

Janitor: (pause, sizing me up) Hmmmmm.  Racing the tea kettles?
Me: (astonished) How did you know?
Janitor: You just seem... like someone who would do that. Plus, you haven't had your first cup of coffee, and racing tea kettles is a before-caffeine thought.


I think I'm gonna fit in here just fine.