Recycling, Pinterest and That Bastard Sun

So, I saw on the Internaught, which is what I lovingly refer to the Internet, because more-often-than Not, I can't quite make it do what I'd like it to. Plus, I'm Canadian, so I had to make the spelling more difficult, with more odd consonant pairings, and an extra U for good measure. So, I saw on the Internaught, on Pinterest to be exact, this amazing summer craft idea that I've been dying to try.

"Thankyouvellymuchyou'revellykind."

Oh Pinterest, if you were something that cost money, I would not pay for you. However, the amount of free crap that I am inspired to try (or dream about) is priceless, and for that I quickly say "thankyouvellymuchyou'revellykind" in my fake British accent.

Right, so I saw on the Internaught this amazing craft where you take an empty two-liter pop bottle, cut some slits in the sides, attach it to a garden hose, and VOILA, instant crazy sprinkler. What? All for the price of a female-to-female connector? I'm in!

I set out to scour the recycling bins of my neighbours (there's that tricksy spelling again!) for that two-liter pop bottle. I missed it the first time I was going to look because I had to take Kiddo #1 to school and Kiddo #2 to daycare (which I'd set up so that I might scour the neighbourhood for the bottle in peace and tranquillity). I threw the kids into the car, zoomed to the school and to the daycare only to zoom home and find that not only had the recycling truck already been here, but I'd also forgotten to put out OUR recycling.

I have rage issues. Given that information, you might think missing the recycling trucks may have set off my rage in a beautiful, green, Hulky-type way. Really though, missing the recycling and garbage trucks doesn't make me rageful-- instead it sends me into a sort of post-traumatic-stress-disorder panic. Husband doesn't quite understand why I start sweating and silently cursing and pacing up and down the driveway, pausing every once in a while  to shake my fist at the Sun, when we don't get the bins/cans/bags out to the corner on time.  Frankly neither do I, but I do. And, yes, I realize it's not the technically the Sun's fault I missed the garbage or recycling trucks. But I've got a constant wish for malice at the Sun, so whenever I'm having a meltdown, I bring up all the Sun's past transgressions like they're new again. Fuckin' Sun. Gah!).

There's nothing like Nelson's laugh in a bottle.

I sigh deeply, still mad at the Sun, and hope that perhaps one of the recycling guys threw an empty pop bottle into my garage to taunt me. I've never wanted to see someone making fun of me as much as I hoped to find that bottle. Needless to say, our recycling guys (gals? I have no idea I guess) aren't complete a-holes, unlike YOU, SUN! GAH!

Our recycling gets picked up every two weeks (oh, and we don't ever buy liter bottles of pop so it's not like we'd have one) so I knew I now had the next 14 days to mourn my lost opportunity. But, in those next 14 days, there was a long weekend-- and several birthday parties and fireworks parties, so I just KNEW I'd have my pop bottle in no time.

Plus, let's face it, I'm at Superstore at least 4 times a day. Between actually getting groceries, stopping back for a prescription (Drive through scripts while sick kids sleep in the car? Yes please.), running in for cookie cutters or a navy shirt for "navy day" at school... I think I probably owe rent to Superstore.  So, even if I couldn't manage to score an empty (free) bottle from someone, those 2-liters are no more than a couple of bucks anyway.

Once 10 of the 14 days passed with not one empty liter bottle to be collected (I mostly forgot about the project about 5 minutes into the two week waiting period) I started to get annoyed.  See, all of a sudden, it was 27C (hot) and like a lightbulb over my head, I remembered about my awesome, free craft ... that I still couldn't do!

Realizing I (still) had no bottle, and also feeling like I'd been trying to do this craft for months now with no help from pop-drinking neighbours (which made me shake my fist at the hot, hot, wretched Sun again) I calmed myself and realized all I had to do was make my regularly scheduled 4th visit to Superstore, pick up a pop, hit Home Depot on the way back and pick up the connector and VOILA, instant kid-happiness.

Not even the stupid Sun could ruin this plan!

When I returned with my basket of goodies, (connector: $8.99 plus tax, pop: $.89) I called everyone into the house and sat them at the kitchen table.

Me: Ok guys. I have a great craft idea. In order to do it, you all have to help me.
Kiddo #1: Yippee!
Kiddo #2: BAN! Uh-huh!
Husband: Um, I've heard this before.
Me: (setting glasses down in front of each person) I need you to drink this entire bottle of pop in the next 3 minutes.
Kiddo #1: Yippee!
Kiddo #2: BAN! BROWN!
Husband: Wait. What?
Me: Hurry hurry! I don't have time to explain! Drink!!
Kiddo #1: (gulping) Momma. This is fun. But also, it's kinda hurting.
Kiddo #2: Ban. Owchee. Owweee.
Husband: Why did you get Sprite?
Me: Because there's no artifical colour or caffeine. Just pure sugar and carbonation.
Husband: (huge burp) But it's almost nap time (burp).
Me: Quit talking! Drink! Do you need inspiration? What's that Engineering drinking song again?
Husband: Godiva was a lady who/ through Coventry did ride...
Me: QUIT TALKING! Drink!
Kiddo #1: My tummy hurts. But I also want to run around a lot. Really bad.
Kiddo #2: (running from the table to the pantry and back to the table and back to the pantry) BAAAAAN!
Me: We don't have time to be pissing around. Get drinking.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but was really about 7 minutes, the bottle was empty. I, lacking skill and care, took a paring knife and stabbed it several times in the bottle. In retrospect, it wasn't the safest way to carve up a bottle-- given my lack of both skill and care and the fact that I was holding the bottle against my chest and all, but it all worked out this time, so whatever, right? Besides-- the clouds were getting dark-- I had to get this damn sprinkler going before the heavens opened up and stole my thunder. Possibly with thunder.

I took my $10 connector out of the bag, screwed one end on the bottle and smugly went outside to screw the other half onto the hose. Screw the other end onto the hose that needed to be screwed into something? What? Oh, what? I didn't actually buy a female-to-female connector, you say? Screw it. I'm too close to my goal to make another stupid trip to the stupid Home Depot to stupid get the right part. I got the duct tape. No, I got the electrical tape. No, I got the stupid, stupid packing tape, which is the only tape I could find, save even stupider gift-wrapping tape. Oh the rage. Oh how I HATE and DESPISE the wretched, filthy, blistering SUN!  SCREW YOU SUN! GAAAAAH!

I'm rapidly wrapping miles of stupid packing tape, that goes useless once wet, around the hose and top of the bottle. I've given the tricksy and false connector to Husband to return to my car in hopes I might get my money back having both not used it, and not needed it. The temperature has gone from 27 to 17 in a matter of 10 minutes but I don't care. I'm going to have a frickin' sprinkler today even if we all end up with frickin' hypothermia because the FRICKIN FRICKTY SUN WENT AWAY!

"This is SO MUCH FUN!"

I scream/yell/slo-mo exclaim: Open. The. Water.
I stand there while the bottle fills and wait for the water to splash out like so much hilarious summer fun.
...
Luckily, I think the bottle was quite afraid that this might not work, so it played along quite nicely. Feeling like a champion, I hoisted the hose above my head just as the warm hose water was tapped out and the freezing-from-the-tap water came shooting out all over me. Screaming in pain and triumph, I yell for the children to join me in this amazing, freezing, fun.

Kiddo #1 looked at me, looked at her brother and then said, "Um. I think it's gonna rain. And I'm cold."
Her brother nodded emphatically and said, "Uh-huh, Momma."

The two of them went back into the house leaving me in the (suddenly) freezing outdoors. Husband popped his head out the back door. "I only have one thing to say: burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp."

I let out one more animalistic howl, shook my fist at my arch nemesis one more time, and turned off the hose. A hard, cold rain erupted finishing the job the crafty, fun, Pinterest sprinkler had started. As my mascara ran down my face I lifted my head toward the heavens.

One day I will have my revenge, bastard Sun.
One day.
Mark my words.
Ban.