We Bought A Zoo (Kinda)

I awoke this morning to a cold, wet nose in my armpit. No, we didn't get a puppy. Well, we sorta got a puppy-- I have a seal pup living in our house. In that same transaction, I acquired three Emperor penguins (all named Happy Feet, thanks to Kiddo #1), a Walrus and at least two polar bear teens. Not cubs, not big guys, teens. Although, I can't really tell how many we have because they are always listening to their iPods so they don't respond when I call them.

It's been a crazy mild winter, here in the Banana Belt (which is what this area is really called). It was wonderful at the time-- just a couple of weeks of boot wearing, a couple of really cold snow falls, but nothing long term. Nothing like last year, say, where people got snowed into their cars on the highway and had to shovel their way out of their homes.

What do you mean they didn't cancel school? I can't find my CAR!

It's Spring now though, and I couldn't be happier. Why you ask? Well, because after the mild winter we experienced a couple of years ago, which was followed by Random Sniffle Spring full of coughs and general cold/flu like symptoms, I decided to do a little research.  Firing up Ye Old Internet, I began reading about the aftermath of a mild winter: Bubonic Plague ensues every time. Well, not THE Bubonic Plague, but all the snot from The Stand that you can handle. Close enough, I say.

And so, this year, as it became more and more apparent that we were in for a mild winter, I began taking drastic measures.  According to my exhaustive research (on sites like www.ParanoidAboutIllness4Life.com and www.MildWintersAreTheWorst.ca) I've come to the conclusion that it's that the harsh winters are the ones that kill off all the sick bugs and clear out the body of the junk just kinda hanging around, too.

This is what your germs look like, magnified 10 million times,
after a mild winter. Gross eh?

It makes sense to that if the germs aren't killed off, they hang around, working out, taking steroids and getting tan so that they can really do amazing things in the Spring, when the warm weather returns.

So, what I'm saying is if Mother Nature insists on a mild winter that gives way to stronger, faster, tanner germs in the Spring, then I'm gonna fight back.  AND, I'm gonna do it the way Mother Nature intended (back before she go so close to retirement and stopped caring as much): the hard way!


Two nights after I got my brilliant idea, I cranked on ye old Air Conditioning down to -6C, or 20F.  I put down a tarp on the carpet and hardwoods (to protect them, duh) and then began making a make-shift, indoor arena. Once I had a good couple layers of ice, I then got out my Snoopy Sno-Cone machine and commenced to making some snow.

Scraped knuckles, sweating from
brow all for 1 cube's worth of snow. 

Once I had the place sufficiently snowy/icy, which by the way, was several hours later since I'd forgotten how FREAKISHLY hard it is to make sno-cones by putting ice cubes under Snoopy's butt and pressing down while turning the crank at the back, I went downstairs to the computer to continue my quest.

Commencing on Google, I clicked on several sites that appeared to be selling penguins, but really just took me to naughty, porn sites. Seriously people? What kind of weirdo fetish involves buying penguins or heck, penguins in any way. UGH!  I skipped the random sites and decided the best way to get the animals I need for my Winter habitat would be to open up a Zoo. I went to the Canadian Government's website and clicked the link that said "So you want to start a zoo in suburbia?"  Who knew it would be so easy?

In a few clicks, I was licenced to start my very own zoo and frozen yogurt stand (I figured that licence would be useful should I decide to actually open up the zoo and I have some hungry customers. As well, that licence would at least allow me to procure a better snow making method -- the Snoopy Fro-Yo Machine is much easier to use.).

I followed the links to some zoos in Ontario, ordered my animals and 6-8 weeks later, they were all here. Interestingly enough, it was the postal service that took the longest-- getting the licence, purchasing the animals and making the indoor habitat was a cinch compared to waiting for my crates to arrive through Canada Post.

From Toronto.

6-8 weeks.

For those of you out of the know, I can drive to Toronto in about 4 hours.

At any rate, now you're caught up. I awoke this morning to my seal puppy, named Portabello, wanting breakfast and the polar bear teens screaming at each other about how no one has asked them to the prom yet and if they fail their driver's test because of that, they are Going. To. DIE. and you're gonna have to transfer us to a different school where no one knows us because being the only ones that don't drive will be THE WORST.

I rolled out of bed and began making lunches.  This Zoo business is turning out to be a little more work than I intended. I just wanted to kill off the disgusting germs that have gone bionic with the mild winter. Now I've got three penguins practicing Kiddo #1's tap routine for the year-end recital in the living room. Kiddo #2 is climbing up and sliding down the walrus while our dog, Rizzo, barks incessantly at the giant frickin' walrus because it's a giant, and she's tiny and needs to protect us.  Sigh.

Plus, all these animals need food (and although fish are cheap, they eat enormous amounts of them! Who knew?), and I've got the pissy polar bear teenagers always wanting a better curfew AND I'm not allowed to drive them right up to school or I'll ruin their rep.  I even said, "You're only 16, you don't have a rep yet." and they just rolled their eyes and muttered how lame I am under their breaths. Nice.

Speaking of nice, however, I appear to have created a nice little environment of health-- all the neighbours on our street are walking zombies of snot and here we are, completely healthy! It looks like my plan worked!

And now that my little experiment has proven my hypothesis, it's time to close up the Zoo for at least the rest of the year-- but how to do that without looking like a fraud? I mean, I need to keep my licence available for any future mild winters. And, I certainly don't want to seem like I just couldn't keep the Zoo running due to any sort of ineptness on my part; that would be shameful.

I pick up the phone and dial the tip line.
"Hello? David Suzuki Foundation?"

That will do nicely.