Doing The No Pants Dance

When Kiddo #1 appeared in my room this morning wearing only a longish top and underwear announcing, "Mom! I'm ready for school!" I actually toyed with letting her go to school without pants.

And the reason I didn't will surprise you.

Oh I'm sure you were thinking "Oh, there's no way she'd let her daughter go to school without pants. That's crazy. Plus it's cold, and a little bit dangerous."  And, yes, I suppose those are all valid thoughts.

Let's rewind an hour or so to see what lead up to this moment, shall we?

7:45AM

Me: Kiddo #1. Get. Ready. For. School.
Kiddo #1: I am.
Me: Why are you still in your pyjamas then?
Kiddo #1: I'm NOT!
Me: But I can see the Dora jammies from here.
Kiddo #1: I took off my sleeping socks.
Me: Wow. That's awesome. But could you please, like, get ready for school?

7:50AM

Me: Kiddo #1-- have you brushed your teeth?
K1: No. Yes.
Me: Eh?
K1: Well, I did but I think you'll tell me to redo near the pink part.
Me: Well, if you think you didn't brush your gums properly, then why waste time. Just go redo it.
K1: Well, I did brush my teeth.
Me: That's awesome. But could you please get out of your Dora pyjamas and re-brush your teeth?

8:05AM (if you're wondering, I was putting on my make-up, brushing my teeth and getting dressed)

Me: Yo, Chiquita. What's the status of your teeth and outfit?
K1: Brushed teeth.
Me: And gums?
K1: Um.
Me: What have you been doing these past 15 minutes?
K1: Looking in the mirror.
Me: At what?
K1: At my silly faces. They're funny.
Me: Did your silly faces tell you it's time to get dressed?
K1: UGH! Mom! Get over it!
Me: Wow. That's awesome. Time out. See you in 4 minutes. Feel free to get dressed while you're in time out.

8:09AM

Me: You're not dressed. In fact, you're naked.
K1: Boo hooo hoooo (real crying)
Me: Can you at least put some panties on?
K1: Moooooom. Whhyyyyy?
Me: Because no one wants to see a crying kid trying to do a handstand without her panties on.
K1: You're MEAN!
Me: See you in 4 minutes.

8:13AM

K1: I'm ready to talk about the time-out.
Me: Great. Hold on. Your brother just crapped his brains out and I'm changing Chernobyl.
K1: Cool. Can I see?
Me:  Are you dressed?
K1: YOU. ARE. SO. MEAN! (wailing sobs)

8:21AM (It seriously took that long to clean up that diaper. Pray for me.)

Me: WHY ARE YOU STILL NAKED???
K1: (jumps because she didn't see me coming) (Bursts into tears)
Me: Frick. Well, you need to get dressed. I'm sorry I scared you, but you wouldn't've had a heart attack if you were dressed and eating breakfast.
K1: I'm hunnnnngry. Boo hooo hooo.
Me: I'll get you a Nutragrain bar. GET DRESSED.

8:27

Me: WHY ARE YOU STILL doing NAKED HANDSTANDS?
K1: Because I have to practice to get better at hard things.
Me: (silence. seriously, what do you say to that?)
K1: Anyway, I'm getting better. See?
Me: As an adult I'm pretty sure it's not appropriate for this to be happening. Get. Frickin'. Dressed.
K1: We don't say "frickin'."
Me: (Miss Piggy scream of exasperation)

8:32

Me: I'm really trying to be patient here. But you're still naked and the bus comes in 9 minutes. So, I'm gonna try something different. Last week you had to wear a different colour each day to represent the food rainbow. Let's say today it's Purple day and pick something purple.
K1: Oh! That's a great idea, Mom! Good work! Purple, purple, purple. Hmm.
Me: Why not that purple shirt with the tutu on the bottom? It's cute.
K1: Yes! I love it!
Me: Thank you, Baby Jesus. (said mostly silently while looking at the ceiling)

8:37

K1: Mom! I'm ready for school!
Me: You're not wearing pants.
K1: Yes I am.
Me: Wait. Is this that fable, "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone pretends to see the King's new expensive clothes, but really he's walking around buck naked? If so, I agree, you're wearing pants.
K1: I don't think so. I didn't see a King anywhere.
Me: Sigh. Yes. (smiling) That's true. What I mean is that you're not wearing pants.
K1: Yes I am. I'm wearing leggings.
Me: No, you're wearing tights.
K1: So? They're the same only with feet.
Me: ... Yes. But they're still tights. And your shirt is still just a shirt, even if there's tutu on the bottom.
K1: No. It's a dress. Look, here's the tutu.
Me: Yes, but if you weren't wearing the tights, you'd see your panties.
K1: No I wouldn't.
Me: You need pants.

(And now there's 5 minutes of straight silence and blinking at each other while I have the following conversation with myself trying to decide whether I might get away with sending her to school without pants.)

Pro: She wouldn't be hurt.  Con: She might get teased and she's sensitive. Pro: I'll pack a pair of pants that she can put on at school. Con: What if she panics and cries? Pro: Then she might listen to her mother. Con: Or this will be a huge therapy bill in 10 years. Pro: But in the meantime she'd respect my words. Con: Her teacher might call Children's Aid on me.  Pro: The shirt is longish, so maybe I could feign ignorance? Con: I'd probably have to go to classes on how to be less of a shithead and also how to do laundry.  Pro: I might have a CHANCE of getting her to school on time if we leave now, with no pants. Con: The tights she chose are beige so she really just looks super nude. Pro: She might make new friends. Con: Not the friends I'd like her to know.

Honestly, there was a ton of silence because I was so engrossed in this pro/con sheet.  So I ended up going with "Put on some pants or a skirt. You're essentially naked."
What she heard was something akin to, "I have just put you on Ebay for $3.00. And the highest bidder is currently... a Vampire. No, a T-Rex. No, a scary Witch..."  Because what she did in response is awesome.

In the old fashioned sense of the word 'awesome' where awesome meant that something occurred that left you feeling awe.

After she gathered the contents of her head, which exploded like a pinata at the thought of having to wear something on her legs other than tights, I said, "Get dressed."

Only, I didn't say it like that. I kinda, maybe lost my cool.

I'm not proud of it, and I'm really not proud to say that yelling "Get DRESSED!" made me feel better.

Truth be told, I'm not 100% sure Kiddo #1 went to school with anything on her lower half. It's dark, the kids are in bed asleep, so I can't even go up and verify the laundry pile. I feel like when I dropped her off (no bus this morning) I felt no shame in doing so. And I didn't get a phone call from the school telling me my child was naked, so I feel like this must have been rectified.  Thing is, this is turning into what "Morning" looks like more often than not-- and they're all blending together into a screaming, naked handstands type mess.

So, while she was at school and while Kiddo #2 had quiet time, I made a puzzle. Like, I made one, not put together one.  I put the four things she needs to do on one side. On the other I drew a picture of the school bus. The theory is that I'll put them on her dresser with the task side up. As she does one, she can flip over the tile and reveal a picture of the bus. Once she's done all four things, she has a new puzzle to complete-- and theoretically, we'll be on time for the bus. (here's the link to the craft if you're excited and want to try one yourself www.gluegunmama.blogspot.com)

And perhaps I won't have BP of 3000/14 between 7:45 and 9am Monday to Friday.

I'll keep you posted. Or you'll read about my demise in the obits. Either way, there should be something entertaining to read. Ha.