Now I Ain't Sayin' She's a Well-Digger

For a great many years, secretly the centre of my brain, I have held a burning desire to go to Africa and build wells and teach orphans how to read.  It's my go-to life event when I'm feeling too tied down to my current location, lifestyle and family orientation. 

If I find myself folding laundry, for example, amidst children laughing or arguing around my legs while the dog is barking, the room gets fuzzy and I start to fantasize about giving everything up and moving to Africa where I can teach women how to build wells for clean water. Once the well is complete, I then convert a mud hut into a school so I can teach children how to read English and French. Their mothers, then, are able to learn how to farm a crop or something (I would hand the reins over at this point, since I'll be occupied teaching the children, so I haven't quite figured this part out perfectly yet). I don't know why it's Africa except that I know the most-little about it. 

Recently, while searching online for Teachers Without Borders, and Engineers Without Borders (I'm not the latter, but I figured it's the Engineers that build the wells) my very best girlfriend happened to be on facebook at the same time, so we got to chatting. 

Very Best Girlfriend: Heeeeey!

Me: Word.

Very Best Girlfriend: What's up! I haven't caught you on here in ages!

Me: Yeah, I usually mark myself as offline. 

VBG: Oh.  ?? 

Me: Well, I dunno. I'm not very good at typing really fast, so I don't want anyone to judge my slow responses.

VBG: Loser. :)

Me: Miss you too.  Anyway how's that guy you're dating?

VBG: Crazy. 

Me: Sounds perfect.  I'm moving to Africa, I think.

VBG: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????? ARe you home? I'm calling you!!!

Me: Uh. BRB. Phone's ringing. 

Anyway, we chatted about how I'm moving to Africa to build wells and save the orphans and she, politely, suggested I MAY want to reconsider.  Shocked, since she IS my Very Best Girlfriend and she is usually super supportive of me and my endeavors, I said, "But, WHY?"

She groaned.  Then she said, "It's possible you don't know this, but there are three things that everyone who know you knows about you."

Three Things Everyone But Elizabeth Knows About Elizabeth

1) She wears her sunglasses when it's raining and still finds the sun oppressive. 

2) She can't stand the sight of sweat dripping down anything-- hairy backs, noses, brows, the outsides of really cold pop bottles (the list goes on).  Reading this list will make her visualize it and then gag on the image. 

3) She thinks her life is a musical.

After I did a quick Listerine rinse to get the bile out of my mouth, I came back to finish reading number 3 and was both mildly amused and instantly infuriated. How would any of these things keep me from being a good well-digger??

Well-Digger 

(parody of Kanye West's Gold Digger)

[Jaime Foxx]

She take an airplane to Afrique.

Yeah, she's flyin' o'er the sea.

Oh, she's a well-digger, in the ground,

that digs for free.

(Chorus:)

Now, I ain't sayin' she's a well-digger, 

But she ain't messin' with no poke, poke.

Now I ain't sayin' she's a well-digger,

But she ain't messin' with no poke, poke.

Dig down girl, go 'head dig down,

Dig down girl, go 'head dig down,

Dig down girl, go 'head dig down,

Dig down girl, go ahead.

Verse 1:

Cutie is gone,

got her travel Visa on,

with her rolling Louis Vuitton

at the end of her arm.

She said, "Ima dig through rock,

down on old Mac Don's farm, 

"Doodle doo" says Mac Don's cock,

Gotta water tha farm, ya the farm.

But she's doing more than one,

Can't you see it?

Her psychic told her she will also make a marina,

Genius! Jennifer Lopez' two kids

will see her on Oprah and think Beth is the big shiz.

"Ok, but the kids?" "They can live at their friends'."

She looked at her best friends, they all got a pen.

They all went to din, and they they had to say,

"If you truckin' in the world, then there's things we need say."

"You know why."

"It's too sunny and hot there."

From what she heard, "It's never rainy." and "Trust her!"

Her best friend wished her, "Good luck then, Buster."

But she don't care what none of y'all say, she's still master.

[Chorus]

18 years, 18 years,

She's had a dream to build wells since she was 18 years.

I know it's silly to have a child to support, or two little kids,

And dream of selling your crib and movin' to Ibiz(a.)

The thing is, on TV, any given Sunday,

in the climate controlled house, Africa is a fun-day,

She doesn't know she goes PSYCHO when it's sunny,

She goes crazy and does Tae Bo, it ain't funny,

She's waving her fist like a hobo at the Sun, eh,

Should not go for sure, Loco from the Sunny.

If you know this punk, holla "She's a diva!"

She's a diva, yeah.

Cuz it's somethin' that she need to have,

A better understanding of her self, oh yeah.

18 years, 18 years,

And on her 40th birthday she found out all of this?

[Chorus]

Now, I'm sayin' you ain't a well-digger, with all your needs,

You don't like a dude to sweat, perspire or bleed,

You go out to eat. No a/c? Y'all can't breathe.

There's wishin' for an act, and to roll up your sleeves. But, 

While you're wishin', watch it.

You can't make it from a Benz back to a Datson.
You may have that ambition, baby, but please hear these cries--

No way you lovin' sweat or the sun in your eyes.

So, sit down, inside.

I know the well's callin' and yeah, that's nice,

And they gone keep callin' and tryin'

But you stay here, girl.

Cuz the reality is, wells are not for this white girl.

Sit down girl, go 'head sit down.

Sit down girl, go 'head sit down.

Sit down girl, go 'head sit down.

Sit down girl, go 'head.

(lemme hear that back)




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