Some days, I look in the mirror and think aloud, "Today is the day I drive to Mexico to drink margaritas on the beach."
I know what you're thinking.
"But, uh, sweetie, there are major drug wars going on. Bodies are being found without heads." And to you I say, "I assure you, there is no way in Hell any killers, ninjas, cartel members, drug dealers/users would mess with me. Not today." Then, when you turned your head to see my hair whorling around like Drew Barrymore's in Firestarter, with flames dancing in my eyes while I fogged up your glasses with my nasal snorting, you would back away slowly, and agree. You may also wet your pants, but I don't want to speculate on how much water you have or haven't had today.
On these days, the only thing that keeps me from actually hitting the open road is knowing Husband will be home at 5pm. It's not that I have rotten, terrible children. I really, truly don't. But days that I haven't had enough sleep, or days where I've done too much for everyone else and sacrificed myself for my family too long, just knowing Husband will return to relieve me truly makes all the difference.
I've done some very scientific tests, with double-blind surveys and magic. My findings are accurate, reproducible and true. I have found that 100% of the time when I have not had enough sleep, I catch the nearest bus to Crazytown, with stops in Resentment Ville and LightOnFireIdiot Jerk-opolis.
For example: when I wasn't sleeping enough with my first baby, things got so bad that Husband entered the room, exhaled through his nose and asked, "Hey, honey, can I help with dinner?" Let me assure you, with no hyperbole, I wished to castrate him while he was exhaling, and his question nearly sent me for the pinking shears. Can you imagine? I LOVE my husband, yet, here I was, running on too little sleep, thinking that single-parenthood would be a better option.
After Husband blinked twice (I was kinda just staring at him unable to speak-- it takes a lot of concentration to try and light someone on fire using only your eyes) and got no response, he scooped up baby and gently guided me into our bed. He then gave me a hug and told me to sleep. I'm welling up as I type this.
Despite the fact I had turned into Evil Me, Husband recognized that this person would go away with sleep; he did not engage me, he turned me off, sent me to bed and took care of the baby. And, not surprisingly, when I awoke from my Sleeping Beauty slumber, birds really were chirping, there was a fawn in the room that ate grass from my hand, and I was no longer breathing fire.
Random: Does anyone actually know her name? It can't be Sleeping Beauty. Unless her parents were movie stars of the 21st century. Yes, I'm talking to you, Alicia Silverstone with your "Bear Blue" baby. Weirdo.
Likewise, when I start to have thoughts in my mind of how no one takes care of me, how I give and give and give and give for my family, and I sacrifice all my time to make sure laundry is done, house is clean and meals are healthy and delicious, yet no one makes sure I get 5 minutes alone, I know I'm way overdue for some Me Time.
Here's the deal, I know you're sitting there reading this. You may or may not actually have kids of your own, and it doesn't matter. There will be a day, even if it's not today, where you will find yourself in my shoes. I'm writing this to tell you that it's ok. Well, it's not ok in the "Let's make a habit of it" type of ok, but the "You're not alone" type of ok. Because the other deadly part of my visit to Crazytown and its environs, is that I spiral down this "No one else seems to have these problems so I'm gonna pretend I don't, either." Trust me. Everyone goes through it. No one doesn't. No One.
I've talked to a lot of different women. Women with good marriages, ok marriages, terrible marriages, no marriage. Women with tyrant partners, good partners, amazing partners, no partners. This absolutely happens to everyone at some point. It's just how you recognize what it is and watch for signs of it happening again, as to whether it has to happen on the regular.
You remember how, when you were in High School, and you thought that all the popular girls had it so easy and they had dates and fun and blah blah blah and if only you were popular/thin/pretty/smart/had a boyfriend, all your troubles would go away? And then you found out that everyone (even the cool kids) thinks they are a dork in high school, everyone thinks they're weird looking (even the pretty people)? And everyone feels like an idiot (even the brainiacs)? Well, this is the same thing.
Only it's as easy to fix as getting enough sleep. I'm not kidding. This isn't just a me-thing. Try it. I think you'll find your job, relationships and family life (whatever any of that looks like) is much more tolerable with at least 8 hours of sleep a night. And don't bother telling me you don't need that much sleep. You only think that because you haven't had enough sleep. Drunk people all think they can fake being sober, too, until they're beside a sober person.
Here are some other things I've found that keep me from buying bus fare:
1) At 5pm, when my Husband's job is done, so is my "job" at home. Laundry, cleaning, general-day-junk stops for me too. I deserve to have some 'after work' time as much as my Husband, and I take it. I didn't always do that and I'd not get enough sleep (staying up too late so I could vacuum? D-U-M-B) and then resent him for relaxing after dinner while I continued to work and slave and fix and maintain.
2) Regular date nights. I admit, I'm not great at this, but it's one of those things I have to work on and remember to do, like, uh... ironing but way more fun. I find when I spend time with just Husband, I actually remember why I love him. When I iron my cute cotton dress, I remember why I bought it, too. Both are work. Don't think for a minute that keeping your relationship happy is something that just 'happens.' Nothing good comes from nothing done. I think Mr. Miyagi said that one.
3) SLEEP. Get enough of it. When I'm too wound up, I take a benedryl. They're non-habit forming and just turn the volume down in my brain so I can sleep. But I cannot stress to you enough: sleep.
4) Me Time. I make sure I do something JUST FOR ME at least once every week. It can be as simple as going to breakfast all by myself, or walking around a nursery (garden centre, not the place for babies) or as elaborate as taking a Strut class once a week (that's a whole other blog, btw and it's coming). But if I skip my needs, I start resenting everyone around me. Is that fair to them? Nope. But it's really unfair to me.
It's not "putting myself ahead of my family." It's giving me at least equal respect. I have a tendency to put myself beyond last. And sometimes all I get for Me Time is that I cut myself off and go to bed early. But sleep is a luxury for me, so I feel like I'm splurging anyways and it feels dang good.
So, now that I no longer feel the urge to drive to Mexico (I took some Me Time to write this blog), I'm gonna get into my jammies and get deep under my covers. Imagine two sweet indulgences in one night? Better than chocolate.
PS, if none of my four steps keeps you from (jokingly or seriously) thinking of harming yourself or someone else, for heaven's sake, go to the Dr and get some help. I'm not a Dr, I don't even play one on TV. This is just what works for me and I thought I'd share.
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