Kiddo #2 and I went with some friends to this place today to hang out and crap. It was fun. Super fun. The kids went on every ride (twice!), jumped the hell out of the bouncy castles, ate some amazing chicken and fries, and then, we went out to the petting zoo.
Crystal: Really?
Here I was, just figuring I would be loving on some goats when around the corner was a spotted deer.
I screamed in my throat (you know, that scream when your mouth doesn't open but your whole neck screams) and could hardly walk. A fucking DEER! A beautiful, Disney-style spotty deer, just over there, in the petting zoo. My knees buckled.
I turned to Crystal and whispered:
Me: I have been waiting for this moment all my life.
Crystal: (raised eyebrows)
Me: Oh MY GOD. I am probably gonna cry.
Crystal: What the fuck for?
Me: Frick, Crys! A DEER! If I get to touch that deer, I will probably die of happiness.
Crystal: Really?
Me: CRYS! All the Disney princesses have deers come to them when they sing. If I get that deer to come to me, and like, I touch it, I am clearly a fucking princess!!
Crystal: Ahh.
At this point, the deer, the mythical beast was really quite far away. I had no choice.
I was standing far enough away.
I lifted my hands to the sky like Julie Andrews and began singing. And of course, like, I was singing that part from The Little Mermaid, where she loses her voice.
Me: Ahh-ah-ahhhh. Ah-ahh-ahhhh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh-aaahhhh.
Crystal: What the hell?
Me: I'm singing Ariel's song! Ahh-ah-ahhhh. Ah-ahh-ahhhh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh-aaahhhh.
Crystal: Whyyyyy?
Me: Ahh-ah-ahhhh. Ah-ahh-ahhhh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh-aaahhhh.
Crystal: People are looking?
Me: Well, like, I'm singing Ariel's song because, like, does Snow White even have a song?
Crystal: Uh, like yes?
Me: Oh yes. "I'm singing... for the one I love, to find me, to find me, today."
No shitting shit, that damn deer was starting to come closer every time I sang!
Just as it got close enough to consider singing more some kids (not OUR kids, because her child and my child were no where to be seen. Seriously. And I gave literally zero fricks about it, either because a DEER!) came over, all full of ruckus and making altogether too much noise, so the deer hopped away and over the fence. Like, it was in the inner part of the petting zoo, and it hopped over the fence back to where it sleeps and eats, where the people can't get to it.
Stupid kids getting all noisy and scaring my frickin' deer! Why would someone raise children who wanted to make all sorts of noise when a Disney princess is trying to call animals to her? Frick.
So Crystal and I walked over to the fence and WHAT? Crystal starts making dog clicking sounds trying to call MY deer to her, and she's not even singing.
And the deer, MY deer, starts walking to HER!
Me: So help me GOD, if that deer comes to you I will cut you.
Crystal: Click, Click, Click.
Me: Ahh-ah-ahhhh. Ah-ahh-ahhhh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh-aaahhhh.
Crystal: Click, Clickity-click.
Me: Ahh-ah-ahhhh. Ah-ahh-ahhhh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh-aaahhhh.
I moved further from Crystal so that the deer could choose me, definitively, and so I could become the Disney princess I am. I sang loudly, I sang clearly. I added songs from Cinderella (the Mockingbird thing) and Frozen (Is there ever a time that "Let It Go" isn't appropriate?).
The deer faltered, took an obvious false step toward Crystal but when I pulled out the Snow White and started singing the Well song again, that deer flicked its ears, did an about turn and walked directly toward my song! It hopped the inner fence and came toward me. It was majestic. It was perfect.
Me: Crystal. My deer is coming to me. I am a real princess! Where is your CAMERA! You have to take a picture! (all sung in various tones so the deer would continue coming toward me)
Crystal: (rummaging in her purse)
Me: Hurry, hurry! Time is running out!
Crystal: Uh (laughing)... I can't take your picture.
Me: Where is your camera? What is happening? (the deer is sensing my panic)
Crystal: (laughing hysterically) My daughter has my phone! I can't. (laughing) I can't take a picture!
Me: The deer is leaving. The deeeer is leeeeeeeaving. Leeeeaving...
Dammit. Why? Why did the kid have the phone? And I couldn't take the picture with my phone or I wouldn't be in it because you know I'd never get the selfie right.
So there's no proof.
But we both know it happened. I'm officially a mutha fuckin' princess.
#BowDownBitches
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