YouTube Fail Videos Pt 2

So.

I figure you're wondering whether I actually waltzed into my kid's school wearing a gigantic ruffled dress and read the (hilarious) riot act. I mean, it does sound like something I'd really, actually do, I know. But, I didn't.

Knowing that, I suppose you're now thinking to yourself, "Self, it's all well and good that Elizabeth was able to like, laugh her way through this bully thing, but how, exactly can I apply this lesson to my own life?"

And if you were thinking that, I would say to you, "Hey, man, THIS post is for you."

For the ease of reading, I'm gonna use the bullying issue of last post, but know this applies to any situation where you feel threatened by someone else-- whether it's your kid's school, your boss, your in-laws, whatever, insert your issue where I have all the bully/school stuff.

Here's the situation:

"You buzzin' at ME? ARE. YOU. Buzzin'. AT. ME??"

When you're in the middle of the visceral "Someone's gonna pay, and pay big" reaction to any pain your child is going through, it's very, very tempting to bring the wrath of Mama Gone Mad upon the School, upon the Principal/Teacher, upon the Child/Girlfriend/Boyfriend, upon the Bee that stung your child.

So tempting, is it, in fact, that unless you have someone take your car keys, and your sneakers, and put broken glass in a 4-foot trench around the radius of your home, you may actually end up at the school red in the face with messed up feet, crazy hair (from the walk) and with that twitchy-eye thing you see on seriously messed up people.

Guess who is gonna take you seriously when you look like Marge Simpson from that one episode where she suspects Homer is messing around with his singing star protégé, Lurleen? Grinding your teeth, breathing heavily while zombie-walking is NOT the look that screams, "I'm a competent person. Listen to my complaint about a bully."

Always, ALWAYS take as long as it takes for you to calm down. If that's 3 hours, or three days, do NOT contact the school in any way until you are able to describe what happened to your mother, mother-in-law or best friend without a)swearing, b) tearing up or c) feeling "that feeling" in your gut.

I made this when I thought the Wal-Mart lady
forgot to put my soy sauce in my bag.
I found it, later, in my trunk.
Glad I took a couple of hours to calm down! 

In order to calm yourself, you might need to write. That's what I ALWAYS need to do when I'm feeling crazy (hence my twice-weekly posts hahahahaa. No, seriously.).  Maybe you run or crochet or bake or glue things to other things-- do whatever it is that enables you to harness your rage and turn it into something beautiful. Trust me, as hard as it sounds, it will be extremely beneficial to your predicament.

So. I Calm down.

Then, I write out a list of the Top 3 Reasons you trust your school, teacher and principal/caregiver with your kiddo in the first place.

I'm serious.

You need to remember why you sent your wonderful, perfect, beacon of light and goodness to the hands of the person you chose.  My list (hopefully always) is : 1) I trust the teacher/caregiver 2) I always feel good when I go into the school/home and 3) I know they want what is best for my child as much as I do.

Well, then. If you chose your child's school/daycare/nursery school/coach with enough confidence to be able to say the above three things, then you can de-escalate yourself another notch. You know they don't want to see your baby in harm's way either. (If you don't feel that way, then you need to consider that at least 50% of your reaction to the bully is a result of your not trusting the teacher/school with your child. If that is the case, why are your kids going there?)

Now that I'm feeling better about the school/teacher/principal, I now need to address my bully issue.

First Stop: Teacher and Student

At any age (Kiddo #1 is in JK and is 4) I believe the first line of defence with any school issue is the child. If Kiddo #1 says that she's supposed to wear a scarf to school tomorrow, and there isn't a note in the planner about it, I'll tell Kiddo #1 to talk to her teacher about it. If Kiddo #1 says she was pushed on the playground  by some kid, likewise, I ask her if she talked to her teacher about it. If she says no, we discuss how the better option would be to get her help that day, but to talk to the teacher about it the next day at school. Then I remind her to talk to the teacher as she's getting on the bus.


Lastly, I have a little sticky note inside her planner with a little "Can you check-in with Kiddo #1 about being pushed yesterday, in case she forgets." Of course, as Kiddo #1 gets older, I'll have to be more covert-- perhaps an email? But then again, she'll be older and more able to self-advocate, hopefully. 

Second Stop: Teacher and Parents

When it's time to talk to the teacher about the bully, I leave another note in Kiddo #1's planner asking if husband and I can stop in and chat. Then, we do just that. We stop in, we chat about the issue and make sure everyone knows that we're aware and want to help things get better.

We use phrases like, "What can we do at home to help Kiddo #1 feel better about the bully?" and "What kinds of things would help keep her out of harm's way?"

We also make sure that Kiddo #1 knows that we went to her Teacher. We tell her what is going on and what everyone is thinking. This goes a very long way in terms of trust for her.

Stop Three: Principal and Parents

IF the situation continues, or crosses a line, or any sort of thing that says we need to reconnect at school, I drop Kiddo #1 off at school and ask for an appointment with the Principal to discuss the situation.

Granted, I haven't had to do this a whole lot as a parent, but as a Teacher, myself, I always feel better when a parent comes to me first (after the student) before talking with administration.  Not for the "cover your ass" part that some people might think, though. Seriously, if I've spoken to a parent about a situation from my classroom and I feel I have remedied it, but the parent doesn't, then I know that (at least) I've tried to help, first.

Here is a list of things I find helpful (keeping in mind I don't always remember any of them, and when I forget to ask/say these things, I always end up feeling frustrated after the meeting.)

1) What can we do to help fix this problem?
2) Has the school ever had to deal with this issue before? If so, how was it handled?
3) Is this a possible way to handle this, too?
4) If not, what has the school been doing, and where will we go from here?

And, once again, I make sure Kiddo #1 knows I'm going into the school to see what we can do about the situation. And when we're home again, we talk with her about what was said. I don't do the verbatim, but I do sum it up and reassure her that we're all looking out for her happiness and safety.

Moving Along

I had several emails wondering whether I'd spoken directly to the Bully's parents or not. In this case, I haven't. Here's why: This kiddo is 4 years old. The kid is very aggressive and seems to be lashing out at not only Kiddo #1 but anyone that happens to be near by.  The child isn't one to say negative things (thus far); the altercations are physical and occur when Kiddo #1 has disagreed with an opinion or has said something that the kiddo probably could never articulate (hence the frustration, anger, and physicality).

I do not feel that calling the child's parents would be beneficial to this instance-- if a four-year-old kid thinks it's acceptable to slap, hit, kick, push and spit on someone for disagreeing, I can't help but think this behaviour must be modelled at home. If that's the case, I will not be the one that calls saying "Your kid's a jerk!" and then have Hellfire brought down on that child once the phone is hung up. I can't make that ok in my head, no matter how much I want that kid to stop hurting my child. This kid is a victim, too.

(Would I feel this way if the kid was 14? I don't know. Do I know this is what is happening? Nope. Just a gut feeling that is unsubstantiated by any *real* proof.)

Next?

Not Hot to Smokin' Hott.
Screech/Dustin Diamond: take notes.

So. Where are we now? Well, we're going back into the school to discuss what's going on. I'm not going to pretend any of this is magically over, like "Saved By The Bell." But it does make me wonder if "Screech" is the reason Dustin Diamond is such a mess. I mean, you can't play the comic idiot your entire adolescence and into early adulthood and actually expect anyone to take you as anything else. You hear me, Jaleel White? Oh wait. YOU are delicious now. You don't count. Sorry, Screech. How 'bout Buddy Lembeck? Good ole Willie Aames-- yeah, he and DD could both take a page from Jaleel's sexy, sexy book.

Where was I? Oh, well, yes. So we're still on it. And we're still getting things worked into. AND, above all, I am remembering that I trust the school and everyone in it, to make sure Kiddo #1 is safe, happy and smarter. lol Tall order, I know, since there are 300 other kids going there, too. But you know what? That's why I'm in there-- I'm making sure she blends in when she should and stands out when she needs to.

I'll update this later, but know that we're on it. And nothing is perfect, easy or immediate. But we're all trying. And if you're going through this, and you've de-escalated yourself and your gut is still ringing that there's something wrong, keep pushing. Keep pushing. Even if nothing changes, your kiddo will see you fighting for what's right and your kiddo will know that simply submitting will not work, no matter how much easier it would be.  That's power. True power.

Hugs.