At first, I was outraged that someone or several someones, would take spray paint to write their messages on strangers' homes in the middle of the night. Then I started thinking about what kind of reality would drive a person to commit such a crime. Who would just run around doing such a thing? Who?
I've watched enough C.S.I. commercials to know how to work a crime scene-- so I went to my glassed in room, put on my white lab coat and blue latex-free gloves and set to work. I watched my centrifuge spin around with techno music playing loudly in the background, I pipette'd some test tubes, I even went so far as to click things on the computer. I'm telling you, I know who did it-- and you won't believe me.
According to the evidence I have gathered, all we have to do is look for a gang of young mommies and daddies on parental leave. Skeptical?
Proof #1
Clearly, someone who is up in the middle of the night does not have a job to go to in the morning, OR doesn't have a vocation they have to be lucid for, in the morning. I know this because I'm often up in the middle of the night now that Kiddo #2 is trying to cut all his molars at the same time. I know for a fact that I am NOT going to any sort of paid job when I've been through a 'nuit blanche' no matter how much fun I'm having. Clearly, the person or persons responsible for these crimes is also used to being up all night, and not having to function on all levels the next day. Sounds like a new parent to me.
Proof #2
The slogans are all of an upbeat, positive nature, despite the use of spray paint. Only a person who has had their knees hugged on their way out the door to an important business dinner only to find a big peanut butter and jam kiss on their thighs as a result, could do that. Before becoming a parent, I did not know how to smile on the outside (sincerely, and honestly) and have a running stream of swear words flowing in my brain at the same time. I didn't know it was humanly possible to absolutely adore something that could rip your heart out at the same time.
Proof #3
As well, there are lots of things that parents do, thinking they're teaching a very valuable lesson to their children, that end in an epic fail. I submit that this act of sunny vandalism was just one of those times.
For example, tonight on our way for dinner, Kiddo #1 asked why the flags in our town are at half-mast. She didn't use that term, though, because she didn't know there was a term. In fact, Husband and I were speculating for whom the flags were lowered when Kiddo #1 said, "That's sad. It's sad when someone dies." Husband said, "Yes, that's true. That's how come the flags are lowered. It shows that the people there also feel sad about it." Then, out of nowhere, Super Mom flew in with a gigantic lesson on the term "Half-Mast."
Did you know, for example, that some countries only put their flag down the exact length of one flag so as to leave space for the invisible flag of death that presides over us all? Did you know the British Royal flag is NEVER at half-mast, since the monarchy is forever, so it wouldn't make sense for death to be higher than the monarchy. It was scandalous that flags were at half-mast when Elvis Presley died, even though he was a world wide super star and respected by everyone (I don't actually know that, but judging by the number of Velvet Elvis pictures that are still around, I'll buy into that idea), but he wasn't a member of any sort of government or a police officer or a soldier killed in the line of duty. Yet everyone lowered their flags in respect.
Husband told me afterward that if I hadn't been right beside him, he would've bet the kids' inheritance that I had been reading straight from Wikipedia, I was so thorough. Actually, about 5 minutes into my lesson, I astounded myself with my various flag knowledge. I had no idea I knew so much about flag protocol.
In fact, it really would have been impressive if, after I spouted off that amazing information, my daughter had said, "Wow" or "Neat-o" or anything except what she did say, which was, "Mother, look at that rainbow! It's beautiful."
I looked and looked. No rainbow. "Where honey?" "Right in front of you." she replied. When I looked all around in front of me, I realized she had been staring at a rainbow she'd invented so that she didn't have to listen to my boring story. Nice. It was the Emperor's New Clothes and here I was strutting around naked.
I, deflated, looked at my husband and said, "She didn't listen to a word, did she?" He, being ever supportive and understanding said, "I love you." and then, "I was watchin' that rainbow, too!"
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Just as the lesson on flag hoisting was simply noise, how to properly quote Ghandi when writing on a garage was also lost on the babies at 3am. Although, I do profess, wrong as it is, I was impressed that the graffiti was spelled correctly with proper punctuation and correct use of quotation marks.
Proof #4
Whoever did this, did it late at night and aren't used to being awake at that time. Judging from the shaky writing on the garage doors, the writers had recently had coffee. Being the investigator I am, I walked over to the recycle bin near the bus stop and found three empty coffee cups with the same time stamp of 3am and a sleepy face drawn on the lids. Only a parent would be drinking coffee at 3am and care enough about the future to put the empty cup in the recycle bin, as opposed to the trash bin. Plus, there's an all night coffee shop just up the street from my house and the woman that works that shift always draws sleepy smiley faces on the lids when you get coffee after midnight. Trust me. I've been there.
Proof #5
Right, which brings me to the next round of proof that this is no juvenile delinquent spray painting this stuff-- the quotes are from Ghandi and Lennon, not random swears and drunken stupidity. It's not like the idiots wrote what could be misconstrued as L'il Wayne lyrics about bitches and hoes. No, this destruction was polite and positive. Go ahead, give peace a chance. And while you're at it, be the change you want to see in the world. No bitches here.
Proof #6
But the most compelling evidence that this is a gang of exhausted parents was found in the bushes, across from the vandalized homes on the other side of the street. I found both a soother (paci? suckie? binky?) and a copy of Goodnight Moon from the library. Most sleuths might have overlooked this place when collecting evidence, but I'm super, wicked smart. See, I figured it was the best spot for a parent to take out baby and show him or her the entire phrase across the four garage doors. Great teachable moment with great intentions.
And then, David Caruso appeared out of nowhere without his sunglasses on, so I knew he was about to say something witty and on-the-mark just before putting the shades on. So exciting!
"Unfortunately, Elizabeth, what makes sense at 3am seldom does in the harsh light of day." Yeeeooooooow!
Thanks, David.
I was just about to crack this case wide open when I got a call on my glove-phone from Chief Quimby. Apparently Dr. Claw has some crazy looking henchmen up to no good in the amusement park across town-- the very same amusement park I was going to take my niece today. It'll be great-- I'll take her, and our dog, and solve a mystery while riding a roller coaster. In the meantime, be the change you want to see in the world. And try peas.
Wait. That last part wasn't quite right.
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