"Kevin, age 14." was called onstage. I pushed my first born son out into the spotlight, knowing that with his good looks and smarts, he was sure to win us two tickets to Hallowbash. "Do I hear $50?"
The silence was deafening. Crickets were even afraid to chirp. What? I ran out to the crowd in my random old lady costume and said, in my awesome old lady voice, "What's that? $50 for that fine young buck? Why I take it, and raise it to $100!" I then pulled off my wig, and rolled up my boobs (grapefruit in a pair of nylons under my dress, if you must know), ran to the other side of the crowd, and shouted in my Man voice, "$100? I'll take that! He looks strong and smart! Explain the Quadratic Equation, Kevin!" Kevin, not realizing it was his mother all along, obliged and began writing out the explanation (or something that looked like it-- I'm not a big math person, whatever.) while the crowd marvelled. Usually the kids sold for Hallowbash tickets were the useless ones-- the kids that were super lazy and only wanted to play video games. Or the ones that had extra toes or no finger nails. Not a finely bred, smart, good looking specimen like Kevin. In fact, I stage-whispered all this to the crowd immediately around me and a man with a hunchback shouted, "Yeah! I'll bid $110!"
I jumped over to the other side of the crowd and said, while holding a lollipop and a balloon and standing on my knees, "He'd be a great big brother!"
Two more paddles shot to the air and, finally, the bidding was off to a great start. In fact, I was able to win not just the two Hallowbash tickets I was hoping for, but four more tickets. Kevin ended up going for the most ticket money all night! I was both proud that Kevin was the biggest seller and happy to have 6 tickets to Hallowbash in my hands. I felt a twinge of guilt that I'd just sold my child for one night of fun and frivolity, until I remembered that Kevin had been talking about becoming a Doctor, which is expensive, especially if he gets into one of those big schools in the States, and the guilt went away. I gave him a high-five as he was ushered off to his new family (who seemed fine by the way. Who doesn't want 21 brothers and sisters? They were even talking about changing his name to Jevin or something else that starts with a 'J' and he's gonna be on some reality TV show I think? I don't know. I wasn't really listening, I was caught up in the glisten of the 6 golden tickets to Hallowbash!)
Now feeling all-powerful, holding 4 extra tickets, I wave my son onto the bus in which his new family travels.
I head home mentally going through the list of people I'd like to have owe me things in the future and sell the other four tickets quickly.
The next week is spent tallying things needed for two super-deluxe He-Man: Masters of the Universe costumes. I thought, for a minute, that I would be She-Ra to Husband's He-Man, but then I remembered that She-Ra is the separated-at-birth twin sister of He-Man, and if Husband and I ever decided to make out at the party, it would've been scandalous. So I decided to go with The Sorceress from He-Man, instead. She is the one that gave both He-Man and She-Ra their swords of power. Plus she has magical mind-reading powers, which (let's face it) are handy to have.
I ordered only the best fabrics from all over the world to create our costumes. I paid more for express shipping, even though I had lots of time to get the costumes made; I just wanted to spend more money to ensure we'd win the costume contest.
I began collecting the correct bits and pieces and I fashioned an exact replica of the Castle Greyskull sword out of some melted down dry-cleaning hangers and my soldering gun.
Once the most difficult part was done, I began making the muscle suit. I had husband put on a long sleeved shirt and jogging pants. I then covered him with duct tape, cut him out of the clothing and pulled the clothing, very carefully, away from the body imprint I'd made with the duct tape. Here's where things got interesting: I then procured some latex and began layering it onto the duct tape to create the muscular physique of He-Man. After it was mostly right, I airbrushed it to a tanned Caucasian skin tone (like Husband's). Then I airbrushed, in a darker brown, the shadows around the pecks, abs, arms, back, the whole nine yards.
Truthfully, this took me the better part of 3 weeks. This is the first time I've ever made a latex suit, let alone used an airbrushing machine, but I figured everyone has to learn to use both at some point, so why not on the same project. The end result was pretty phenomenal. When Husband donned his suit, he looked exactly like He-man from the neck down. And once I put the crappy $3.99 wig on, he looked perfect. I gave him his sword and he was ready.
I donned my Sorceress costume (which used significantly less latex and was therefore much less time-consuming to make) and the two of us headed back up from the basement to get the kids and bring them to my mother-in-law's house for the night. When Husband rounded the corner, he raised his sword above his head and said, "By The Power of Greyskull!" Then he held the sword in front of him and grabbed the "sharp part" (yes, I'm quoting myself here) with his other hand and yelled, "I have the power!" It was even more epic because he did it in our living room with the tall, echo-y ceilings. Kiddo #1 laughed, and Kiddo #2, mildly terrified, filled his diaper to the point of a wonderful flood in the middle of the floor.
I held out my arms (like the picture) and closed my eyes. I called for help from He-Man, telepathically, like The Sorceress did in the shows. Did you know that telepathically asking your Husband to change your child out of a pee accident is about as effective as ... well, as telepathically asking him to do any thing at all?
Had I realized how very little The Sorceress actually did in the show, I probably would've picked Teela or Evil-Lyn instead. I mean really, she telepathically tells He-Man to come to Castle Greyskull to save her. Seriously? That's it? Pretty much. Evil-Lyn just held Skeletor's hand and laughed wickedly and Teela ran like a linebacker, occasionally doing a tuck and roll to keep Skeletor from firing some laser at her.
There were no good female roles in He-Man. That's why they had to invent She-Ra in the first place-- girls were holding their Sorceress action figure while He-Man and Man-At-Arms did all the fighting wondering what on earth to do next.
And then the doorbell rang.
"Jevin? Is that you? It's been so long-- almost 3 weeks!" Jevin, looking ragged and a little out of sorts, pushed passed us and into the house.
"Listen. I can't live there any more. They're all so damn happy all the time. With their giant bus and 7 dozen eggs a day. And the singing? I can't take it anymore!" he broke down sobbing all over my Sorceress outfit. Mildly annoyed, I patted his back and told him to calm down.
"Jevin? Listen, Mommy can't help you. I needed these Hallowbash tickets, and I've sold the other 4 you earned, so you're gonna have to work it out with that other family. Hey, how did you escape the reality TV cameras?"
Jevin looked around cautiously for any renegade video cameras, and recounted how he'd cut the power at the house the night before the family trip to Paris. Then, when the airport bus arrived and woke everyone up, he made sure a neighbour kid was playing in and around the bus, so that the kid got counted and Jevin did not. "Really? The old Home Alone trick actually works?" Jevin nodded and followed up with, "Yeah, well, I didn't stick around to see if the Wet Bandits were gonna show up while they were all gone."
I stroked his hair while he cried in my lap. I scoured my brain trying to figure out what I was going to do to get him back and then it hit me like a ton of bricks: my winnings from the Hallowbash Costume Contest would more than pay for our costumes, and with a little left over, I could trade that to the J-Family for First Kiddo #1.
I checked my watch. The contest was just about to start. Grabbing He-Man, we climbed aboard Battle Cat and roared off into the night to have the most powerful costumes in Etheria. Or something like that.
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