Take Christina East.
I sat down after registering and within seconds, this woman is wheeled over by her boyfriend. He puts her in the seats directly across from me (and my screaming infant). She, after he puts on the brakes, notices I'm there and says to him, "Oh no! Put me over there by her. She's a good person. Over there, over there!"
She said, "Your baby is beautiful." and then started crying at his beauty and that he was sick. In case I wasn't sure, though, the second thing I noticed was her very drunk breath. The first thing I noticed was her very yellow eyes. She said, "I've been here for eight hours. And he's so f***ing adorable! (squeals) Listen, I promise if you want, I can hold the baby. I won't drop him. I promise. He's so f***ing cute I could just s*** my pants!" I breathe out slowly and say, "Well, I think, since he's sick, I'll hold on to him."
She then told me about how her mother is one of 18 and she's one of 6, and she's "an accident-- you know how accidents happen? Well, they do. And I don't have any kids, but I'm an Auntie, and a Grandma and all that, so I can hold your baby if you want. You know, for the change." Oh, happy drunk lady, thanks for offering to hold my baby in Emerg while you wait for some sort of narcotic for your sciatic pain. I would totally take you up on it, if I, too, had been hammered.
Yeah.
But the number one reason I knew she was drunk wasn't her breath, body odour or yellow whites-of-eyes. Nope, the number one reason I knew she was drunk (and/or crazy) was that she told the nurses that if her turn came up before Kiddo #2's, she would let us have her spot. THAT is a sure sign of lunacy and intoxication right there! We spent a total of 5 hours in the ER. There wasn't one person I was gonna trade spots with, let me tell you; I'm a fairly nice person, but all's fair in war and emerg.
Take Gregory Kyle.
Gregory, as I found out, is my age, in fact, his birthday is October 24th if you want to send a card. His beard is probably 18, and I'm not entirely sure why he was there beyond announcing that his bike had been stolen. He, in fact, was on the phone with the police, describing the bike to them when I arrived. And if you see someone without a beard, driving a red, purple and grey bike with a yellow flag and 21 inch tires, knock that bitch off the bike-- it is stolen!
It was incredibly hard to focus on a screaming baby, crazy Christina and nutty Gregory, but for the benefits of your reading pleasure, I managed.
So, Gregory was talking to the police about his stolen bike when he was called back by the triage nurse. She poked her head out and said, "Gregory? Gregory Kyle?"
And, since GK was on the phone regarding a more urgent issue than whatever he'd come to emerg for, he raised his hand. Not understanding the international sign for "I'm coming when I'm good and ready," the nurse looked around the room and called, "Gregory? Gregory Kyle?" again. GK, getting annoyed that the nurse didn't understand his arm-raise-- began waving it, all the while continuing to describe his bike to the police.
When the nurse called the third time, GK waved his hand, saluted her and followed it up (finally) with a "I'm here. I'll be right there, I'm on the phone with the police."
Take Chandler
He and his two besties arrived giggling. He had his hand over his forehead although his right eye appeared to be getting darker as he signed in at the front desk. The ladies chatted about the party and how they couldn't believe Becky showed up in that skirt again! Chandler was sad when the triage nurse told him to go back to the waiting room, "I am definitely a priority case! I shouldn't've changed out of my bloody shirt into this one. They don't think it's a big deal because I'm all clean and pretty."
Maddi cooed, "Chandler! I told you that they would figure you must not have been in a lot of pain because you were able to change your clothes."
I sat down after registering and within seconds, this woman is wheeled over by her boyfriend. He puts her in the seats directly across from me (and my screaming infant). She, after he puts on the brakes, notices I'm there and says to him, "Oh no! Put me over there by her. She's a good person. Over there, over there!"
She said, "Your baby is beautiful." and then started crying at his beauty and that he was sick. In case I wasn't sure, though, the second thing I noticed was her very drunk breath. The first thing I noticed was her very yellow eyes. She said, "I've been here for eight hours. And he's so f***ing adorable! (squeals) Listen, I promise if you want, I can hold the baby. I won't drop him. I promise. He's so f***ing cute I could just s*** my pants!" I breathe out slowly and say, "Well, I think, since he's sick, I'll hold on to him."
She then told me about how her mother is one of 18 and she's one of 6, and she's "an accident-- you know how accidents happen? Well, they do. And I don't have any kids, but I'm an Auntie, and a Grandma and all that, so I can hold your baby if you want. You know, for the change." Oh, happy drunk lady, thanks for offering to hold my baby in Emerg while you wait for some sort of narcotic for your sciatic pain. I would totally take you up on it, if I, too, had been hammered.
Yeah.
But the number one reason I knew she was drunk wasn't her breath, body odour or yellow whites-of-eyes. Nope, the number one reason I knew she was drunk (and/or crazy) was that she told the nurses that if her turn came up before Kiddo #2's, she would let us have her spot. THAT is a sure sign of lunacy and intoxication right there! We spent a total of 5 hours in the ER. There wasn't one person I was gonna trade spots with, let me tell you; I'm a fairly nice person, but all's fair in war and emerg.
Take Gregory Kyle.
Gregory, as I found out, is my age, in fact, his birthday is October 24th if you want to send a card. His beard is probably 18, and I'm not entirely sure why he was there beyond announcing that his bike had been stolen. He, in fact, was on the phone with the police, describing the bike to them when I arrived. And if you see someone without a beard, driving a red, purple and grey bike with a yellow flag and 21 inch tires, knock that bitch off the bike-- it is stolen!
It was incredibly hard to focus on a screaming baby, crazy Christina and nutty Gregory, but for the benefits of your reading pleasure, I managed.
So, Gregory was talking to the police about his stolen bike when he was called back by the triage nurse. She poked her head out and said, "Gregory? Gregory Kyle?"
And, since GK was on the phone regarding a more urgent issue than whatever he'd come to emerg for, he raised his hand. Not understanding the international sign for "I'm coming when I'm good and ready," the nurse looked around the room and called, "Gregory? Gregory Kyle?" again. GK, getting annoyed that the nurse didn't understand his arm-raise-- began waving it, all the while continuing to describe his bike to the police.
When the nurse called the third time, GK waved his hand, saluted her and followed it up (finally) with a "I'm here. I'll be right there, I'm on the phone with the police."
Take Chandler
He and his two besties arrived giggling. He had his hand over his forehead although his right eye appeared to be getting darker as he signed in at the front desk. The ladies chatted about the party and how they couldn't believe Becky showed up in that skirt again! Chandler was sad when the triage nurse told him to go back to the waiting room, "I am definitely a priority case! I shouldn't've changed out of my bloody shirt into this one. They don't think it's a big deal because I'm all clean and pretty."
Maddi cooed, "Chandler! I told you that they would figure you must not have been in a lot of pain because you were able to change your clothes."
"Maddi, I couldn't exactly come to emerg covered in BLOOD! How tacky!"
Good point, Chandler. But let's remember why you're here in the first place-- you were running up to Maddi, who had just arrived at the party when you quite literally were clotheslined. You ran head first into the clothesline, but not just the rope (which left a nice superficial rope burn on Chandler's forehead) but the giant metal T pole that is used to hold the rope up and now half your forehead is wide open. And, actually, now that I think about it, you should hope that scars, because it would be wicked cool to have a sorta-lightening bolt scar on your forehead, Harry Potter!
Take Security Guards A and B
Security Guard A: Thanks for taking the place down two or three levels of hysteria. All he and his massive black mustache and goatee had to do was read a book the entire time he was there. Sit by the door, reading the book, and apparently it keeps everyone in line. Because, you see, about 10 seconds after I got there, Security Guard A went on Lunch.
Enter Security Guard B: This senior citizen not only kicked things up a notch, he promoted the crazy by giving the phone to Gregory, and by telling Christina that he was just a security guard, he couldn't decide whether or not I could take her place in line. Furthermore, Security Guard B also liked to run around emerg with a wheelchair, as though he had an invisible pregnant woman in it. Or maybe there was a pregnant woman-- I coudln't tell, really, because Security Guard B was running so fast everything was a blur.
Take Jeff Super Groomed
This guy hobbled in on one shoe. His big toe was broken in two places. I know this not because I remembered to bring my X-Ray specs with me, but because his big toe was forming a lowercase letter 'r.' On his left foot. Facing his right foot. It was a spectacular hook that kinda made a person wanna puke.
Take Family Of Five
I have always wondered why some families just beam with joy that they're in the emergency room together. I mean, if you're gonna be that excited, why not skip the illness and just play Scrabble or Darts or something. But anyway, Mom, Dad, and three daughters all came into the ER dressed to the nines. I can't actually think of a thing going on in town this weekend that would necessitate all of them to be dressed like Kardashians, but they were. Best part? The one that needed to be there probably broke her foot. Wait, that was the second best part. The real Best Part is that the broken foot wasn't wearing a shoe. So I called her Kinderella Kardashian because she hobbled around barefoot and in a clear jelly shoe. But when she marched herself into the public bathroom like that I figured if she wasn't already sick, she surely would be. DEAR LORD! Have some common sense. When I had Kiddo #2 there tonight, his un-shoed feet never touched the ground. Hello?
Take Old Farmer Couple
We talked for 20 minutes, easily, about the many milk allergies his family has. His brother, for example, was raised on Dr recommended 1 bottle of beer a day because he couldn't tolerate any sort of milk. I'd assume this must be an anaphalactic reaction, because that would be about the only thing that would make me want to give a baby beer. But maybe I'm too young and judgemental? Then he went on about how his sons both have milk allergies, and his cousins did, too, but they were raised on wine.
The thought (briefly) crossed my mind to ask him whether his daughter was Christine East, but judging from their "She was a handful, wasn't she?" remarks, I'd have to think no.
...
Good point, Chandler. But let's remember why you're here in the first place-- you were running up to Maddi, who had just arrived at the party when you quite literally were clotheslined. You ran head first into the clothesline, but not just the rope (which left a nice superficial rope burn on Chandler's forehead) but the giant metal T pole that is used to hold the rope up and now half your forehead is wide open. And, actually, now that I think about it, you should hope that scars, because it would be wicked cool to have a sorta-lightening bolt scar on your forehead, Harry Potter!
Take Security Guards A and B
Security Guard A: Thanks for taking the place down two or three levels of hysteria. All he and his massive black mustache and goatee had to do was read a book the entire time he was there. Sit by the door, reading the book, and apparently it keeps everyone in line. Because, you see, about 10 seconds after I got there, Security Guard A went on Lunch.
Enter Security Guard B: This senior citizen not only kicked things up a notch, he promoted the crazy by giving the phone to Gregory, and by telling Christina that he was just a security guard, he couldn't decide whether or not I could take her place in line. Furthermore, Security Guard B also liked to run around emerg with a wheelchair, as though he had an invisible pregnant woman in it. Or maybe there was a pregnant woman-- I coudln't tell, really, because Security Guard B was running so fast everything was a blur.
Take Jeff Super Groomed
This guy hobbled in on one shoe. His big toe was broken in two places. I know this not because I remembered to bring my X-Ray specs with me, but because his big toe was forming a lowercase letter 'r.' On his left foot. Facing his right foot. It was a spectacular hook that kinda made a person wanna puke.
Take Family Of Five
I have always wondered why some families just beam with joy that they're in the emergency room together. I mean, if you're gonna be that excited, why not skip the illness and just play Scrabble or Darts or something. But anyway, Mom, Dad, and three daughters all came into the ER dressed to the nines. I can't actually think of a thing going on in town this weekend that would necessitate all of them to be dressed like Kardashians, but they were. Best part? The one that needed to be there probably broke her foot. Wait, that was the second best part. The real Best Part is that the broken foot wasn't wearing a shoe. So I called her Kinderella Kardashian because she hobbled around barefoot and in a clear jelly shoe. But when she marched herself into the public bathroom like that I figured if she wasn't already sick, she surely would be. DEAR LORD! Have some common sense. When I had Kiddo #2 there tonight, his un-shoed feet never touched the ground. Hello?
Take Old Farmer Couple
We talked for 20 minutes, easily, about the many milk allergies his family has. His brother, for example, was raised on Dr recommended 1 bottle of beer a day because he couldn't tolerate any sort of milk. I'd assume this must be an anaphalactic reaction, because that would be about the only thing that would make me want to give a baby beer. But maybe I'm too young and judgemental? Then he went on about how his sons both have milk allergies, and his cousins did, too, but they were raised on wine.
The thought (briefly) crossed my mind to ask him whether his daughter was Christine East, but judging from their "She was a handful, wasn't she?" remarks, I'd have to think no.
...
The good news is the staff at the hospital were amazing. Kiddo #2 has two ear infections (one in each ear) and is now sleeping (finally) and on antibiotics. The bad news is that by the time we left, only Chandler was waiting in the room. Our hoppin' club seemed to have hit some imaginary closing time ... oh, wait, no. Here come all the riff-raff from the bars now that they've turned on the lights. Two guys just limped by with gashes on their foreheads. Maybe they missed the clothesline, too?
Either way, I'm happy-- I just set up a tent in the waiting area. Did you think I'd get the script for Kiddo #2 and head home? What and miss all the action? Why fall asleep from boredom when the emergency room is better than Reality TV-- and no commercials!
To get automatic updates via email, enter yours in the box under the Gerbera daisy and click submit. If you landed here looking for Tangled-themed Party info, click on the archive for June 12th, 2011. Thanks!
To get automatic updates via email, enter yours in the box under the Gerbera daisy and click submit. If you landed here looking for Tangled-themed Party info, click on the archive for June 12th, 2011. Thanks!
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