Break The Block (A Minecraft Parody)

I stay up too late.
Got minin' on my brain.
That's what my mom says.
That's what my mom says.

I go into many caves. Creeps won't let me stay,
Zombies in my way.
Zombies in my way.

But I keep building,
Can't stop, won't stop building.
It's like I got this feelin'
In my mind that there's
Diamonds in this cave.

Cuz the creeper's gonna creep, creep, creep, creep, creep.
The sheep is gonna bleet,
Bleet, bleet, bleet, bleet.

I'm just gonna break, break, break, break.
Break the block, break the block.

Zombie's gonna moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.
Then I build with stone, stone, stone, stone, stone.

I'm just gonna break, break, break, break.
Break the block, break the block.

Sometimes I just create.
Survive another day,
Scout for villages my way.
Villages my way.

But in survival,
The hearts drop, don't drop.
Fill up the hearts by eating piggy, cow or chick.
Now I can make more bricks!

Cuz the creeper's gonna creep, creep, creep, creep, creep.
The sheep is gonna bleet,
Bleet, bleet, bleet, bleet.

I'm just gonna break, break, break, break.
Break the block, break the block.

Zombie's gonna moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.
Then I build with stone, stone, stone, stone, stone.

I'm just gonna break, break, break, break.
Break the block, break the block.

Pumpkin Starts With Pee

Don't tell me how to live, just sit and putter.
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.
Don't wet the bed and try to pee on my parade...  

I awoke this morning with a skip in my step, a song in my throat, and pee in my bed.

Groaning at the cold grossness of it all, I got up and decided that I'd most definitely need a shower this morning. Then I tried to decipher which of the children had peed in the bed, since I assumed Husband wasn't the culprit, and I knew I was guilt-free.

I contemplated having a skill-testing question at our bedroom door installed. If you get the answer wrong, you don't get entrance.  Then, I thought of the many nights I'd inevitably spend locked out of our bedroom for not knowing the order of operations.

Maybe just a retinal scan, instead.

I was already conditioning ye olde scalp before I remembered that nothing could make me sad today.

For today is (da-dada-da-da-da-da!) Field Trip Day!  Specifically, today is Pumpkin Patch and Corn Maze day, which is possibly the best day of the year.  You get to be outside for one of the last cool-hot-cool days of the school year, tromping in mud and muck, while children frolic and choose pumpkins and all that.

This is the field trip I, as a parent, almost always volunteered to attend because 1) it's usually the first one of the school year, and I can quickly demonstrate what a good parent I am   meet all the kiddos our kiddo is suddenly talking about.  2) This one is pretty sweet-- no boring information-dense trips about Mesozoic era flora and fauna, just skipping and pumpkin picking.  3) The kids bring home a pumpkin for free (!) and there isn't usually a gift store they want to buy shit at. BUT, most importantly, 4) this is the first one, so if  I volunteer for this (sweet) trip, I can be all "Well, I've already chaperoned-- let Jimmy's dad do it." for the others, which will inevitably be outdoors, in the dead of winter. Baahaahaahaaaaaaa.

As the teacher this time, though, the real reason the The Pumpkin Patch Field Trip is the breeziest of trips (and why I'm humming "Walkin' On Sunshine" while I dry my hair) is with an adult-to-kid ratio of like, 1:2, it's the fodder of ministry of education pamphlets.

AND, as if all that isn't enough, you get to wear JEANS and a HOODIE at the same time, and not be frowned upon.  Get frowned upon? Have frowns upon?  Frick. There are no frowns raining down upon me like a bad Adventure Time graphic, for wearing a hoodie and jeans.

Oh, glorious Field Trip day, you're like Santa without the Visa bill.

I sang all the way to school while the children played Minecraft on the iPads.  As we parked, I glanced back and said, "Kiddo number 2, where are your glasses?"

Kiddo #2:  On my face.
Me: Nope. Try again.
Kiddo #2: (fumbling on face) Oh. Huh. Are they in my pocket?
Me: I don't know. Are they?
Kiddo #2: Let's check.
Me: Uh, like, did you put them there?
Kiddo #2: No. But let's check.
Me: (Captain Picard facepalm)  Let's go get them.

I dropped Kiddo #1 off and took Kiddo #2 back to the house.  I searched to no avail (he'd put them in his camoflauged case, which I clearly wasn't able to see) and sent him back in to find them.

I pulled out of the driveway, now technically late for work, but kinda ok, because it's Field Trip day and I had also shouted to the visible adults that I had to go back for Kiddo #2's glasses.  I get about halfway to work when I get call from another teacher: "BTW, bring a lunch for Kiddo #1. Your class is staying until 2."

And I reply:  What the Frick. How did I, her teacher, not know that?!

And I Tokyo Drift into the Tim Horton's drive-thru just in time to order a couple of bagels for she and me. Kiddo #2's class was coming home before lunch, but apparently my class gets to have some "older kid" perks.  Sweet.

But, even the thought of having a bagel for lunch didn't deter my mood. I'm hap-hap-happy.

We get everyone else on board the bus, get my class into the cars and head out to the local Pumpkin Patch and Corn Maze.  Now there are three kids in the backseat playing on iPads.  My mood is even better. LIFE IS FANTASTIC.

Just as we disembark, some grey clouds start to roll on over, but that doesn't deter our kids.  They run around the various things to do, including slides, Mount Saint Tractor Tires, and the pièce de résistance, a gigantic, enormous (NOT ginormous, because that's some bastard hybrid of those first two words and isn't actually a word at all and makes you look like a gigantic, enormous idiot when you say it)...

Sorry. I had to tell you. Someone had to, and I'm strong enough for you to hate me and then love me again when you look it up and see that I saved you from looking like a buffoon in front of your boss.

... gigantic, enormous bouncy like, thing. It's not a bouncy castle, because there are no sides or top. but it's like, someone poured a giant mix of trampoline batter into a shallow pan, and baked it, and flipped it upside down.

It's bouncy as shit, dangerous as shit, and holy shit, it's AWESOME! I actually kinda wish I was getting married again, just so I could drive my entire wedding party out to the bouncy thing, and get some amazing bouncing pictures of everyone.

"It's so much easier to do that jumping picture from a gigantic, enormous bouncy cake!"

In fact, I can't get that image out of my head the entire time we're walking the gigantic, enormous corn maze with Col. Chris Hadfield's image in it.  I'm lousy at mazes anyway, so I might as well be thinking about huge bouncy wedding party pictures.

The kids and I (and the other teacher and the kids she has) finished the Chris Hadfield maze in like, 15 minutes. It was pretty cool, really. I'm getting more excited with every step closer to the bouncy cake because for SURE I'm bouncing on that shit.

Only, frick! Everyone's now HUNGRY!  GAH! I want to get to the bouncy cake! Why are we even bothering to EAT!?!   Then I decide possibly my rage was due to blood sugar issues and had my bagel.  Instantly, I wasn't mad at the children anymore.  Huh. Maybe we DID need to eat.

Only, now it's misty-raining and they've closed the frickin' bouncy cake. I know this is the best day of my life, but if I don't get to bounce on that damn cake thing, I'm seriously gonna be pissy. Grrr.

Student: Ms. Elizabeth, are you gonna jump on the bouncy thing with us?
Me: Uh, heck yes!

Then, as if by magic, or by sheer determination, I think I made the rain go away and a nice, hot sun appeared and dried up all the rain.  The itsy, bitsy Sunnen will dance on the bouncy cake!

Then I realized my pants felt wet from where I'd been sitting on a picnic table.  I turned to the students and said, "Does it look like I peed my pants?"

But is it noticeable?
I mean, does it look like I pooped my pants? Or no?

Student:  Uhhhh.  No.
Me: Why did you said Uhhh?
Other Teacher:  Uhhh, because it looks like you... uhhhh, had a different accident.
Kiddo #1:  Mom, I can take a picture of it with your phone if you wanna see...
Me: Oh lordy. Does it look like I pooped my pants?

And, of course, because of my poop accident, some "faster" school got to the bouncy cake first. Siiiiiiigh!

So, we decided to do the "Kiddie Maze"which, ironically, took us close to 45 minutes.  When we finally were done the maze, we all ran like maniacs toward the bouncy cake.  It would be our turn next, mark my words.

I watched the last five minutes of the other school bouncing, chatting with other parents and teachers while the other school's kids jumped with glee.  I could feel the excitement in my heart at the thought of jumping the SHIT outta that bouncy cake.  Holy Frick.  This was gonna be AWESOME! At first I couldn't figure out WHY other adults weren't bouncing, but there were enough kids that adults would probably hulk smash them.

I felt bad for the other moms who weren't bouncing. I could tell they really, really wanted to, but their school brought too many kids to give an adult a safe amount of room to properly jump. Poor dears. I was gonna live the dream in T-minus 3 minutes.

I secretly vowed to jump at least 7 extra jumps, one for each parent or teacher I saw gazing with yearning at the bouncy cake.

FINALLY the other kids FINALLY got off and FINALLY made way for  me and the other teacher (and our students, or whatever) to jump to our hearts' contentment.

I took off my very muddy shoes, tittered to myself about how awesome I am that I get to bounce on a bouncy cake, and slowly walked up the bouncy cake to the centre of the bouncy cakeness.  I gingerly rocked the platform up and down, slowly, while the children clambered up. We all got an arms length away from each other (per the rules of the bouncy cake) and a few kids fell and giggled.

Then, the best part of my whole life happened.

I bounced and bounced and bounced.  Yes. I bounced three times in terrified glee.  It was the most fantastical, amazing three jumps in the entire history of mankind.

Then, at the fourth bounce, I thought to myself, "Holy shit. I just pissed my pants."  and then I tried to slow down with my fifth bounce, and I pissed my pants again.  And this time I thought to myself, "I didn't even know I had to pee?" and then my legs were bouncing and bouncing against my will and I couldn't get them to fricking stop and I was trying to nonchalantly make my shit over to the side of the stupid, wretched, fucking bouncy cake, with my damned pissed pants and every kid that was on the damn cake was all "Ms. Sunnen! Check out my giant bounce that will make you bounce, too!"  and with every bounce that I really wanted to do, but didn't want to do, I pissed my pants again, and again, and again.  And again.

Cheese and RICE! What the frick is this bullshit!?! I didn't EVEN HAVE TO PEE!

Frick. FRIIIIIIIICK!

I finally, nonchalantly, get off the damn bouncy cake, and the old lady running it looks at me with a raised eyebrow.  She knows. Sweet Cheese.

I go to the Porta-Potty mostly just to get away from everyone and I hope that the picture that the other teacher took while we were all jumping will ONLY show my fake poop accident, and not my real pee accident.

Fricking Frick. Stupid "having kids" bullshit. Stupid why didn't I bring an adult diaper with me? And why isn't there a line on the Bouncy Cake Rules board that says "Hey, we sell Depends in the canteen if you've had a kid and are dying DYING to jump on our bouncy cake."

Mother of CUFF. Now I'm stuck in a frickin' Porta-Potty because I've pissed my pants AND I'm 36 and what the shit? And it smells like the perfume of 1000 pine trees AND the bowels of some heinous beasty on the 7th ring of Hell.  And I can't just text the other teacher because she's having a gay old time on the bastard bouncy cake because she MUST be wearing an adult diaper and why didn't she tell me? Oh, it's probably because I was so excited, that fricking clearly I was wearing a stupid diaper.  Because there's a hilarious joke about how women pee when they sneeze or jog or laugh too much, but I've never had that problem and here I am soaked and FRICK!

I contemplate buying a bottle of water and pulling a Jack Tripper and fumbling it all over my crotch in some lame Three's Company style mishap, only there's no stupid couch for me to trip over and fall behind.  Stupid Hollywood lies.

Now I've been in the Porta-Potty long enough that the casual observer is gonna think I just pooped! GAH!

GAAAAAAH!

I decide to be like, an adult, even if it's an adult who has peed her pants, and exit the porta-potty with my hoodie pulled waaaaay down over my mud-butt and wet-front.  Totes discrete.

I'm sure nobody noticed.